The dowry marry-go-round debate:

A fiscal case of bride and prejudice

GASTON DE ROSAYRO

My friend Marcellus is quite merciless when it comes to lashing out at any one who does not share his idealistic outlook. He is an incurable romantic. To put it briefly, Marcellus, Marcy for short, has never shown mercy towards people who profess love in exchange for money.

Nothing makes him more agitated and causes him to flip his lid more than the subject of dowry hunters and anyone bent on marrying for money. He is a vociferous anti-dowry lobbyist and contends that marrying for money is a repulsive idea. His stand on the subject is in diametric contrast to that of our mutually conformist-minded friend Prosper. Both the unconventional Marcy and the traditionalist Prosper are always at loggerheads over the subject of dowry.

Prosper was trying to point out that there is a cultural precedent for precisely this sort of male ambition. Many would not have publicly acknowledged pursuing rich women with such fervour, but it certainly did and does happen. A woman without a substantial dowry, no matter how virtuous and pretty, will be at a significant disadvantage when it comes to the matrimonial stakes. The extra ‘moolah’, land and wealth that come from these unions are a great boon to posterity, sometimes for many generations.

Prosper justifies his contention with the argument: “In our society dowry which is given to the bride by her parents is an acceptable and an established practice. In our community it is an ancient custom, and its existence may well predate records of it.”

Marcy disagrees and begins firing from the lip: “I say, Prosper, when it comes to marriage you people are always handing out or demanding a matrimonial prospectus. You even pronounce the word matrimony to sound as if it were matter-of-money.”

I attempted to play peacemaker trying to persuade them with the logic of arbitration that the practice was not as prevalent in Sri Lanka as among our sub-continental neighbours. I reasoned: “Fortunately in Sri Lanka the status of women is relatively high, especially in comparison to other South Asian nations. One hardly ever hears the practice of child marriage, female infanticide, immolation of widows or dowry deaths as in the case of neighbouring nations.

“Unfortunately, dowry is a very serious matter in India, not just because it is still widely practiced - despite laws against it - but because it precipitates far too much violence against women. Some fall victim to mysterious kitchen accidents, accidents that somehow never occur when the mother-in-law is cooking.”

Marcy intervened: “But the repugnant practice still exists here where it is expected among many groups for the bride’s family to give the groom a dowry.” But Prosper was not going to give up all that easily. He shot back: “All right Marcy as you say we should marry for love. We should search for our soul-mate. Or at least that’s what the movies tell us.

“But the reality is a bit more complicated. Ok, as you say work hard, take risks, maybe build your own business or develop your career. That is the traditional route to financial success. Of course, there is another highly traditional path that our community practices to acquiring wealth that isn’t talked about quite as much these days: Marry money.”

Marcy was clearly getting enraged by the seeming cold logic of his adversary.

He expostulated: “Now look here Prosper. I congratulate your parents for naming you appropriately. Prosper must be a shortened form for prospector. After all, they must have known you were a born gold-digger from the time you came squealing into the world.”

He continued: Besides, Prosper, people like you who have a colony of sons and no daughters are quite likely to become prosperous as a result of the dowry system. In your mercenary thinking marriage of your sons has become more of a transaction than commitment. So in the case of finding a partner for your sons your motto is: A fool and her money are soon courted.”

Prosper shot back: “True Marcy, in our estimation money doesn’t talk, it swears! And I can swear on all the gods that in the case of our family when it comes to marriage it’s simply a case of dough or die!”

Marcy was determined to steamroller his antagonist who he imagined was getting too obnoxious: “So you also demand a vehicle for your battalion of sons depending on their job status right? So your sons, the grooms, while awaiting the arrival of the bride will find themselves singing: Here comes the ride!”

Marcy rubbed it in that when he got married, nobody brought up the question of dowry. He proclaimed proudly: “Not my bride, not my in-laws, not my mother, and certainly not me. If I had even hinted that I wanted dowry, my bride would have immediately called off the wedding. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, she would have also refused to go on the honeymoon.

Marcy took a deep breath and continued his diatribe: “Take a good look at yourself Prosper.

Your 97-year-old-mother-in-law still calls the shots and reminds you constantly that she grubstaked you before you became a financial success. Imagine living with a geriatric in-law who is really an outlaw in petticoats! How’s that for choosing a family because of their fiscal fitness?”

Prosper wisely decided that discretion was the better part of valour, or varaka as some yakkos are fond of saying. He decided to walk out of the dispute.

All in all it had been an exciting ding-dong debate on the merits and demerits of matrimonial endowments, of whether to condone or divorce the dowry system.

The bridle was finally reined in over the issue of Bride and Prejudice.

And very likely to remain so until debt do them part!