Overcoming the name change dilemma:

To live happily ever after

Aditha Dissanayake

In spite of the success of the feminist movement it is surprising that the matter of changing the woman's last name after marriage, is yet to become a significant cultural issue

Everyone has their favourite pages in a newspaper. I confess every Sunday, after glancing at the full page articles on the feature pages I turn to the photo section and stare at the wedding photos of the son of Mr and Mrs X tying the knot with the daughter of Mr and Mrs Y. I know these pages are called 'the sports section' for women. Nothing could be more annoying. Women read the (real) sports pages too. They know what a hat-trick is, and the intricacies of the slip as well as the short and long legs; they know if Mahela is in form or out, and the devastation caused by Murali's deadly dusra.

Now that this misconception is out of the way, here comes the explanation about my obsession with photos of weddings and parties where well dressed couples pose for pictures often with a glass of something or the other in their hands. I like to gaze at them and speculate if the ladies in the pictures are the kind who would have kept their maiden name even after they got married or if they would have become Mrs. so and so the moment they signed on the dotted line. Staring at the bride I wonder if she will be Mrs. X from now on or will she continue to keep her maiden name and be called Ms. Y? The question is hard to answer. What is harder though, is to keep a straight face when you think of this name change tradition that comes in the wake of a wedding.

After all, if you illegally assume someone else's name, you are accused for stealing another's identity; but when you legally assume someone else's name, you're married.

That is, if you are a woman. Even though many an International Women's Day has passed, the tradition of only the woman annihilating her name after marriage remains unchanged. It is surprising that when our society makes great efforts to eliminate violence against women which includes physical violence against them in the confines of a marriage, that this form of 'violence' is still prevalent and is not even discouraged.

Surprising too that in these supposedly modern times when a woman earns as much or even more than her husband, when she has proven herself to be as capable as men in the political, intellectual and artistic arenas, society should still practice such an oppressive tradition, a tradition which seems patriarchal and signifies a change in 'ownership' from father to husband.

Oppressive is perhaps too mild an adjective to describe this custom which, it can be happily noted, is not practised in countries like China, Spain and Korea. Changing your name is not easy. It means getting a new identity card, passport, credit and library membership cards etc. Yet, inconvenient and time consuming as this process might be, this is nothing when compared to the psychological changes a woman has to undergo when she has to accept a new married name as her true identity.

Changing the name stamped on your birth certificate after you get married is surely like pressing the delete button on the 'woman that was'. This tough psychological transition, which only women have to undergo when they say 'I do' is surely unnecessary.

Especially when, for some women, particularly from strong family backgrounds, their maiden name stands as a testament to generations of ancestors who had proven themselves as worthy citizens, giving up their name would mean turning their back on a prestigious linage.

As for women who have literally built names for themselves professionally, a name change would be difficult or too costly for their careers.

Would Angelina Jolie have survived on the silver screen if she had changed into Angelina Pitt after her marriage to Brad Pitt? Would you have remembered Elizabeth Taylor if she had changed her name from Taylor to Hilton to Todd to Burton, each of the eight times she got married?

Your name is your identity. Why lose it? After all there are no laws that demand you to change your name after you get married. It is no ones business (except perhaps your husband's but chances are he would not mind at all) whether you keep your maiden name or not, after marriage. Even if your decision might be viewed as an unorthodox choice you can find comfort in the fact that unorthodox does not mean bad or wrong or illegal.

Moreover, life is easier if you decide to keep your maiden name.

There are no official forms that have to be filled out as you can continue to keep your identity card and passport the way it is.

All you have to do is merely continue doing as you have always done, calling yourself by your maiden name.

But, what about all those people who will suggest you are emasculating your husband by keeping your name? Laugh them off. Surely, your love for, and commitment to, your husband should in no way be reflected in your choice of names.

So, stick to your guns. Stick to your maiden name. As Lucy Stone, the lady who refused to take her husband's name when she married in 1855 and campaigned for name choice freedom throughout her married life, said, "A wife should no more take her husband's name than he should hers."

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