Doormat wives and henpecked husbands: Chore Wars Chore Wars

Marriage is in many ways a business partnership - the business is running the house. But who should be in command? Who should obey orders?

Aditha Dissanayake

Out of all the words in the English language, no other word probably has as many definitions as “henpecked.” A man who wears pants around the house – under his apron: a husband whose wife leads two lives; his and hers: a man whose wife does not have to raise the roof; all she has to do is raise an eyebrow: he married her for her looks, but not the kind he is getting now: he was a dude before marriage - now he is subdued. The list is endless.

If you think the henpecked husband came into existence after the advent of the Women's Movement, think again. Apparently the species existed way before Lesley Abdela or Abigail Adams. The English poet and satirist, Samuel Butler gets the credit for the earliest use of this expression way back in 1671.

“The henpecked man” said Butler, “rides behind his wife and lets her wear the spurs and govern the reins... He is subordinate and ministerial to his wife, who commands in chief, and he dares do nothing without her order.”

Strangely not many jokes exist about doormat wives. This could be because the line that separates a doormat from a loving wife is almost invisible. In more ways than one, taking care of one's husband does make one a doormat – but only a very small one – the kind you keep in front of the doors of the refrigerator, perhaps.

And “henpeckedness” cannot be that bad either. Surely it is unfair to label a man who respects his wife's views as henpecked? There ought not be a rule that says the husband should be “the man of the house”; make all the decisions, and have the final word.

For, in a good marriage decisions should be mutual and both should work for the good of the whole. Neither should be barking commands or letting themselves be bossed around.

Gender gap

Yet, not surprisingly, the housework gender gap is a common source of friction among married couples: A recent survey among more than 12,000 readers of the Babycenter website revealed that 63 percent of couples with children at home argue over cleaning. And nearly half of respondents say they resent having to do more housework, cooking, and laundry than their mates.

Not only do dusty furniture lead to marital dust-ups, but the responsibility for housework can also have harmful effects on women's health. A study by sociologist Chloe E. Bird published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior found that women who do twice as much housework as their spouses have greater anxiety, depression, and worry. The least depressed people in Bird's study, both male and female, were those who split household duties down the middle.

If women are clearly doing more around the house, what are men doing? Apparently quite a lot of chores too. Men do roughly 15 percent of the laundry, and while that may not entitle them to bragging rights, it is an improvement over the measly 2 to 5 percent they did back in the 1970s.

Today's men are also more “involved-parents”, says sociologists, at least more involved than the men of the previous generations.

“In general, men try to compare their contributions to their fathers, and compared they look very good, doing four or five times more than their fathers did,” says sociologist Scott Coltrane, author of Family Man: Fatherhood, Housework and Gender Equity.

Balanced role

According to several studies, men with a higher education are more likely to pick up and pitch in. Coltrane suggests that more educated men may be more likely to put women on equal footing and assume a balanced role in the household.

Interestingly, research also shows men who delay fathering children until their late 20s or early 30s, move away from the neighborhood they grew up in, and have less frequent contact with their parents, or who have been divorced and

remarried, are more likely to do housework. Coltrane points out that these men have had to fend for themselves, so it makes sense that they will continue to help out. Still, “compared to their wives men do a lot less,” says Coltrane. He points to a range of explanations for the battle of the sexes on the chore front — from cultural expectations about gender roles, to a greater emphasis on a husband's career if he is the primary breadwinner, to some women's difficulty delegating work. Practically speaking, though, the broom stops with whomever spends more time at home, says Coltrane, and that is usually Mom. If only men knew what they were missing: Men who do more housework have happier marriages, according to a study by John Gottman, a psychologist who for more than three decades has been researching why relationships succeed or fail.

Harmony

Further research by Gottman suggests that harmony over housework may also yield happier children. His findings reveal that men who do housework frequently have offspring who do better socially and academically.

Not surprisingly marriage counsellors say when a couple can divide chores in a way that both spouses feel satisfied with the outcome, they are showing mutual respect for one another. It is important for the two of you to set mutual priorities concerning the maintenance of your home and yard. “What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?” asked George Eliot.

If you are already married or have intentions of getting married soon, what would your answer be?

If you are a man, would you like to be ruled by your wife? Or, fellow ladies, do you expect to marry a man who obeys your directions all the time?

Think about it. Perhaps it is not that bad to be henpecked after all. You get to have the last word – even though it is to say ‘I am sorry.”

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One billion rising: moving to end violence against women

The horrific gang-rape in Delhi has shown that support to end violence against women is going global. The One Billion Rising campaign comes at the right time

Eve Ensler's plans for an international day of action to combat violence against women this 14 February has already achieved several things, not least a sense of solidarity among those who seek to join in, wherever they may be in the world. This solidarity is long overdue.

For too long the women's movement has not worked effectively across borders. Too often, some western feminists have occupied a position of cultural superiority - my dear, those poor Indian victims of acid attacks, those poor Somali girls with their practices of genital mutilation, those poor Muslim women all hidden in their hijabs. Meanwhile, other western feminists have fallen into positions of cultural relativism - who are we to speak for Muslims, for Indians, for Somali women? Their experiences may not be about sexual inequality, but about religion, about caste, about culture; we cannot afford to speak about any experience beyond the borders of our own country, or even our own life.

But the debate that is gaining ground now is based neither on superiority or on relativism. Alongside concern about the gang-rape in Delhi, we have seen growing discussion about how sexual assault too often goes unpunished in the UK too.

Alongside reportage of sexual violence in Syria has been increased engagement with how young men in the UK can be educated to become more respectful of women.

The specificity of different situations is being addressed, together with a recognition that this phenomenon of violence against women crosses borders. The many events planned for One Billion Rising across the globe showcase this growing sense of solidarity and remind women in many different countries of our shared experiences and our shared strengths.

I am made constantly aware of how violence against women crosses borders because of the work I do with refugee women in the UK. Women for Refugee Women published a report last year showing that half of the women who seek asylum in the UK have been raped, and two thirds have experienced gender-related persecution in one way or another, such as trafficking for forced prostitution or female genital mutilation.

The women who make contact with Women for Refugee Women have often survived extreme persecution of this kind; they may have been tortured and raped by armed police, they may have been forced into prostitution, they may be trying to save their daughters from the fate they have suffered.

Yet at the same time many of them are keen to speak out and campaign for more equal futures.

The short film we have made for One Billion Rising shows some of the refugee women we work with, their songs and their dances. I hope it shows others what I see every day I go to work, that if we are genuinely to move to a more equal future we must recognise the courage of women across the world. Feminism is about a lot more than trading insults on Twitter; it is a movement that has already transformed lives and will continue to do so if we work together. Watching the films that other women and men have made about their decisions to take part in this day of action, and hearing about the diverse events that are planned, is very heartening for those who long to see a safer world for women.

Of course, One Billion Rising is not an end in itself. It is a marker and a stepping stone, a marker of where we are now, and a stepping stone to a future of greater solidarity and hope.

Guardian.co.uk