Insensitivity, Thick Skinned, Lack of Awareness or being crafty

Kith Udugama

Some people do things and say things without realising how much they hurt the other people’s feelings by their actions. Some people do it purposely when it is advantageous to them. Others do it due to insensitivity, largely unaffected by the needs and feelings of other people.

Shreema & Kumara (names changed to protect identity) migrated to New Zealand during the difficult times in the 60s and early 70s. They were newly married and managed to go to New Zealand looking for better opportunities. They both got employment in the company which is the largest dairy products exporter in the world.

One day after work when they went to do grocery shopping to a super market an Asian came up to them and inquired if they were from Sri Lanka. When Kumara said yes, he introduced himself and said that he was a doctor from Sri Lanka attached to the City Hospital. During the brief conversation he said he is not married and living by himself in the hospital quarters and his life was a bit boring. Then Kumara wondered how a person doing a good job with money can be so bored in a new country which has so much to offer. New Zealand has a lot to offer to new comers and to the tourists and people are very friendly !!!!

Out of compassion they invited the doctor to dinner the next day which was a Saturday. He came at 5 pm though they were expecting him at 7.30 pm. Anyway while he was there he was offered a drink and some eats and Kumara started cooking. After the meal he thanked them and left at 10.30 pm.

Next day again he appeared at the same time and said he was bored and had nothing to do and dropped in to see them. Since this was unexpected and Kumara and Shreema were planning to go out for dinner, arrival of this unexpected guest did upset them. So they cancelled the dinner and cooked at home. The doctor stayed and had dinner and left at around 10.30 pm. Their Sunday was ruined as they were looking forward to have dinner out and a relaxing time. This kept happening almost three or four times a week. He came unannounced and waited till dinner time and left after dinner. This was becoming a nuisance to the young couple who were in the process of settling down in the new country.

One day Shreema met another New Zealand girl working in the same company. They got talking and this girl Melisa asked if Shreema was from Sri Lanka and if she knew Dr. XXX. And when her answer was yes this girl said “Oh God!!! We had a very bad experience with Dr. XXX. My husband is a Dentist in the same hospital where he works. Once we invited him to dinner and he kept on coming unannounced almost three or four times a week and waited for dinner disrupting our evening plans. One evening my husband got so angry and shouted at him and said never to come again uninvited.”

This shows a total lack of consideration, awareness and sensitivity. In most western countries they do not have servants and when they come after a hard day’s work they want to relax and prepare dinner or go out and have dinner. When somebody barges in unannounced in the weekend that disrupts their plans entirely. In the weekends they normally do their laundry, house cleaning and all other household chores. When somebody comes and camps for five or six hours expecting a meal that disrupts their day and the weekend.

It is up to the reader to figure this out and see if they knew people of that type. There are many incidents the writer can think of where people come uninvited and overstay.

A wife of a Sri Lankan doctor told me a similar story. She said another Sri Lankan, Dr. Anura who is a relative of her husband migrated to New Zealand. His wife and children were planning to follow him in six months. This lady said that every weekend when Dr. Anura was not working he visited them and stayed till Sunday evening. The hostess of this uninvited guest, being a European lady found it very uncomfortable as this ruined their weekends. This went on for a few months till Dr. Anura’s family arrived from Sri Lanka. ( The reason for coming uninvited and staying as he was bored and did not want to be alone in the weekend!!!! ). So this couple had to pay dearly for his loneliness. Normally Sunday is considered as the family day. Saturday they do household chores. When somebody comes uninvited and camps there in the weekend it was thoroughly inconvenient for the hosts and the hostess.

One can be compassionate and hospitable. But it should not be at the expense of your own family. I want reader’s opinion on this.

In both these cases not a single day that these intruders invited the reluctant hosts to dinner, never brought a dessert or a bottle of wine which is traditionally done in the west (and even in the East)

Another incident I heard from a wife of a Sri Lankan Doctor. She was a New Zealand lady. And they had four children. One weekend on Saturday, after taking a few days off they were planning to go to their cottage on the lake about five hundred miles away.

At about 9.30 am they were loading their suitcases into the vehicle to start the long journey to the cottage. Two cars load of Sri Lankans came unexpected. They were planning to stay there for lunch. This was their lunch stop on their way to another city. The wife of the doctor was smart and categorically told them after giving them a cup of tea and they had to leave soon because their family has to start their journey to the cottage. These uninvited guests left, but she said they were not too happy about it!!!! Soon after they left, her family started on their journey. All these incidents happened about 35 years ago. And I am sure lot of people would not resort to this kind of irresponsible insensitive behaviour now.

People have learnt and their children have grown up and they know how to live without becoming a burden to others. They love to have visitors, friends and relatives but these are carefully planned for the guests and the hosts to enjoy.

There was another incident where some people visited their relatives in Canada. Their hosts, a doctor from Sri Lanka told them many times never to travel without health insurance to North America. The hospital charges are extremely high. There was one situation a Pundit from Sri Lanka visited his daughter in the United States (US). When he had a heart problem he had to be admitted to a hospital in US. Their relative the doctor who advised not to travel without health insurance had to pay close to fifteen thousand dollars at the time the patient was discharged. His own daughter could not afford that kind of a hospital bill.

I think these are good lessons for everybody, be sensitive, informed and considerate of others without looking only of your convenience.