Having a whale of a time
Gaston de Rosayro
 Allow me to thank several readers out there who congratulated me on
my last column about my insufferable brat pack. Thank you all and allow
me to mention that I am truly appreciative of your valuable feedback.
Although being forced into many indiscretions I have found the presence
of kids an ingenious passport to places where my solitary presence would
have been perceived as preposterous.
Okay as some of you are aware, I have been around quite a bit in the
Asian region. Yes, certainly I have had a heck of a good time working in
capitals as far apart as Colombo, Kuala Lumpur, Singapore and Hong Kong
while having a heck of a good time in the process. The astounding thing
is that they actually paid me for indulging myself in a riotous career
all my life. Yet there are times when even the most spirited among us
need to unwind, in order to preserve our sanity.
 I remember a time when Hong Kong suffered an exhausting summer. In my
tireless pursuit to avoid being smothered by the heat-wave and
constrained by sheer professional pressures to smother certain
colleagues, I was compelled to hit on a safety valve.Or so I imagined.
The Lai Chi Kok swimming complex in Kowloon, Hong Kong seemed to be the
most convenient and safest of outlets for beat-the-heat frustrations. I
did not even have to scan the fog-polluted horizon to spot it, because
it was in close proximity to my former high-priced slum at Mei Foo.
But still, one soon learns that everything is not hunky-dory, as the
famous Peter Cheyney character, Slim Callaghan would have been prompted
to have said. This is particularly so when one has to stand in an
interminably long queue before reaching the turnstiles.The wait can be
exasperating, particularly in the early evenings and once inside the
pool, one has the distinct impression that there has been a sudden
population explosion in the district. There is decidedly a lot of
splashing, spluttering and spraying all around.Even before I was
actually able to orientate myself to the surroundings, I was almost on
the verge of yelling to the lifeguards for the services of a mid-wife. I
am glad I did not.
I soon realised with relief that the woman struggling frantically in
the water was not suffering immediate birth-pangs, but was hell bent on
not sinking.Being a concerned observer does not pay. Those few seconds
when I stood and stared helplessly, watching intently for the head of a
new-born water-nymph to emerge from the turbulence were terribly painful
ones. I was kicked at least by four different individuals on at least
four different occasions on my shin, thighs, chest and on a most
unmentionable part of my anatomy.Feeling a limp, unhappy rag I try to
keep a stiff upper lip. I have nothing against pain, really. I just do
not relish the prospect of being hooked on it - some philosophical,
masochistic pundit once said that pain was good for character building
or something to that effect.Hurting, muttering obscenities under my
breath, I attempt a lazy crawl down the length of the pool. But even
before I get into the tempo of a proper rhythm I am hit broadside by a
muscled missile swimming breadth-wise.So, from then on it became the
6.30 am swim for me. For one thing, it certainly beat queuing up with
the hoi polloi. It was also the time when the pool did seem to have a
sort of serenity and visual appeal.
There were, mercifully,less bodies around, and I was able to enter
the pool with a suitably spectacular dive that always drew hostile
stares from the bronzed lifeguards sitting on their high horses.Now at
last the stiffness and lethargy receded from my body. But I observed
that there suddenly appeared to be more humans imitating the dwellers of
the deep than one would imagine. Although I was able to do my 20 lengths
without over-extending myself, I was still disturbed by a mixed
menagerie of the denizens of the deep - alligators, sharks, hippos,
frogs, jellyfish, whales, otters, walruses and turtles - all in human
form.
Some of them, I suspected, bumped into you deliberately, having
absolutely no consideration for anyone swimming like an ordinary human.
A good many of them, the crocodiles and sharks especially, have
inflicted severe physical damage on my being.
If I were to strip, my multiple bruises would have made me a certain
cinch for a gallantry award.The otters and frogs were the kids who all
possessed a remarkable swimming style to the harmless amphibians they
have been likened to. In between long laps, I kept a solicitous eye on
these nippers, especially when I found them fish-tailing it beyond their
depth. Once a little otter called out to his father in panic and I held
him up until he got his breath back. The poor little chappie must have
been scared half to death, if the warm, wet, trickle I felt running down
my chest was anything to go by.What really got my ire was when a couple
of the big predators hit the little fish consistently. Brought up on the
beaches and lakes around Colombo, I am nobody's sucker when it comes to
water-skirmishes.
Water polo, too, teaches you a few tricks of the trade including the
dirty ones.And so I went after the crocodile, the shark and the hippo
with a spirited dash that would have left Johnny Weismuller and Mark
Spitz looking like ankle-waders.I hit the crocodile with the sharp edge
of my elbow just as he was streaking across the pool,dived almost
instantly and brought my knee up against the Bottomous Hippopotamus, as
he was about to surface like a spluttering version of Jacques
Cousteau.Amidst the ensuing upheaval and turbulence I heard the snorts
and grunts of sheer physical pain.
I realised I had certainly made a thumping great impression when I
surfaced and tore off my goggles to the sweet sight of faces imprinted
with shock and dismay.Like an avenging barracuda, I torpedoed through
the crystal clear waters after the sperm whale, taking care to avoid the
soft nether regions of female jellyfish. But the sperm whale, billowing
great spouts of water, was out of the pool before you could say "Moby
Dick."Most important, they all seemed to have got the message.Freshly
showered, I head out of the changing rooms when the alligator smiles
respectfully and bids me good bye as does the little otter with
worshipful eyes."At the while crocodile," I respond, and say sotto voce
to the otter: "Seeya later urinator!"
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