Blue cap

Dear little brother,

I lost my blue cap on the Golden Bridge in San Francisco. Losing this cap really broke my heart and I almost wept over it. I never felt like this before over losing something simple like a cap. I couldn’t believe myself. But I must say this blue cap was not just a simple cap.

This cap was not only mine - it belonged to both of us. This morning I was asked to wear it as it harmonised with the T shirt I wore but this blue cap had a long history.

It served us for a decade.

It heard our lives for a decade.

It travelled with us for a decade

It saw our lives for a decade.

It faded with us for a decade

Day by day it became a part of our lives and it never moaned but happily survived with us.

This faded blue cap became a 'he' more than 'it' for us gradually over the past decade.

The merciless wild wind took him away from me/us while we were walking on the Golden Gate Bridge this morning. The powerless cap lay on the bridge for a while asking us to rescue him before he said final good bye. Both of us tried our best to save his life to the point where we were almost compromising our lives on the bridge, with the fast moving traffic. I am sure he must have seen how hard we tried to save his life not just giving up. I believe he had a beautiful life with us but he could have stayed for a bit longer and then retire into our wardrobe.

The helpless blue cap looked at us from the distance where he lay on a metal bar of the bridge before he fell into the bay waters. He looked at us for a few seconds as he was saying a final goodbye. Helpless, we looked at him falling into the bay waters hundreds of feet below and sink into the bay bed in no time.

I still cannot believe he is gone and we will never be able to replace him.

Looking down the bridge grieving over our sweet blue cap made me realise how awful my aunty must have felt the moment she lost her husband. The moment she had to let his ashes go into a river.

He was the love of her life for three decades.

He was the rock in her life for three decades.

She had someone to care for, over three decades.

She had someone to share with, over three decades.

There were too many ups and downs they had to face but they survived over three decades.

He lost his job.

But they survived.

They had to lay their daughter to rest six feet under.

But they survived.

They survived too many things in the past three decades.

They survived just because they had each other.

The bed they spent on their honeymoon remains the same. The bed they shared for three decades remains the same. Now she wakes up in the same bed and realises he is not there any more. The husband she had for three decades has gone. Gone forever! Everything happened so quickly and it must have been very difficult for her to accept his loss. They were never given a chance to even say goodbye properly. He is gone now and not coming back. There is no goodbye or welcome left.

Endless tears soaked his coffin. Her puffed eyes had no more tears to cry. Tears too many tears! All dried out but not enough to bring him back.

There was a husband in her life few days ago. She faced him fading in front of her eyes. She faced his body getting cremated in front of her eyes. Her husband turned into a vessel of ashes in front of her eyes and now she had to face letting his ashes go.

She had to take his ashes onto a bridge. She had to smash the vessel. Then she had to see her husband’s ashes sink into the river bed.

She had to let him go and go home with empty hands.

Now she must be feeling that she has nothing else to lose in her life but recollecting the past memories of the last three decades. She says it was the most delightful time she ever had in her life and she knows it will never come back again. Everything had become still and turned into a picture.

Now she talks about the beautiful days she had when her husband was still alive. Now she regrets about failing to notice them. Now she regrets failing to appreciate them as much as she should have done.

Now she recollects the sweet memories and cuddles them alone to keep her warm on cold lifeless nights.

If she could get her husband back, would she take every single day as a blessing? Anyhow none of this is going to happen as I am not going to get my blue cap back.

This is the universal truth.

I must thank our sweet blue cap and will take this moment with my other half to have a remarkable time together. Take every day as a blessing and appreciate every single moment we spend together. So one day when one of us goes the other can recollect the happy moments we had together. If I lose something I must appreciate the blissful time I spent with it.

Before I finish this - forgive me for comparing me/us losing the blue cap to my Aunty losing her husband. However the feeling of losing someone/something dear made me realise the importance of appreciating this precise moment as this moment will become the past when tomorrow turns into today. I hope she wouldn't read this and get offended.

Yours Big Brother

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