Kiddies oppose the Santa Clause:

The legal night before X-mess

Gaston de Rosayro

With Christmas just a four perilous days away there is a nip in the air and a continuous jingle jangling in my head. All right now. I have to explain it to the kids in my charge in story form and Glory be, there are some lawyers in the audience and a few coppers as well, who are not exactly kids. But to be fair, let us say they are sort of in the stage of their second childhood. Okay to begin at the beginning you ask the kids whether they have all studied their Elf-abet.

Sure they do. They know it backwards unlike the backward lawyers and coppers who are never backward in coming forward when the furore is over and mostly after the deeds are done. But they are all settled now as part of the audience at the back of the living room.

As a storyteller I have no peers. That is part of the journalistic discipline and I do so with style and what they call a stage accent with an even tempo and a heck of a lot of theatrics. The trick is not to over-accentuate the ‘bombs’ but smoothly let them out to your spell-bound audience until the climactic moment and then telegraph the punch-lines with explosive force.

But the lawyer and cop relatives and friends imagine they are great story tellers and can relate tall tales better than I. Fat hope! and of course, some of them don’t believe in Santa Claus and keep throwing the book at him with all kinds of malevolent charges and spoil the magic for the kids.

Don’t believe in Santa? You might as well not believe in angels and fairies. And how could anyone with a child-like mind disbelieve the centuries’ old tale of the pot-bellied altruistic Abdominal Showman?

But we all truly wish lawyers would speak a language that humans also understand. One of the great techniques they use for obfuscating our comprehension is to use words such as ‘obfuscate’. The cops of course do not believe in Santa Claus because they think that no one in his right senses would come into most of the neighbourhoods they are supposed to patrol after dark.

The lawyers say the acts commit Jolly Old Nick to some obscure act in the Law that binds him to a contract, which they claim is The Santa .. Clause. When it came to his turn to entertain the children the lawyer started thus: “Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter ‘the House’) a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.”

He continued: “A variety of foot apparel, eg. stockings, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said ‘House’ in the hope and or belief that St. Nick aka St. Nicholas aka Santa Claus (hereinafter ‘Claus’) would arrive at sometime thereafter. At that time, the party of the first part (the police) did observe, with some degree of wonder and or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter ‘The Vehicle’) being pulled and or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be, and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.”

Taking a deep breath he went on: “The said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter ‘the Deer’). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted an additional co-conspirator named ‘Rudolph’ may have been involved.)”

The children were showing signs of restlessness now hoping that they would be soon enlightened to comprehend the legalese gobbledegook as he carried on: “The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and wilfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.”

The children stood up and grabbed their soggy sandwiches while the lawyer continued his seemingly never-ending charges: “The said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.”

He concluded with: “The said Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute ‘gifts’ to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the Sri Lankan Tax Code.)”

No one bucks Santa Claus in my presence. So I surreptitiously signalled my grandson Tharindu and murmured defence instructions in his ear. The word went round the kiddy grapevine in the whisper of an instant. Tharindu piped up addressing the lawyer flanked by the cops. “What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?” “What?” queried the lawyer. Tharindu’s orchestrated answer was like a pistol shot: “Claus-trophobic!”

The kids cheered and flung their soggy sandwiches and pink-coloured drinks at the offending legal luminary. He ended up in a not so merry Christ-mess.

To all my readers out there let me wish you a Jolly Little Christmas!

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