The Charge of the Infant-ry Brigade:

Bulldozed by a bully-bully baby!

Gaston de Rosayro

I am neither a psychologist nor psychiatrist. Nor do I profess to be trained in either discipline. Believe me I have never been to any type of professional shrink. A friend who was consulting one told me that you could never analyse his therapist’s logic.

If he was late for the appointment he was considered hostile. If he turned up early he was diagnosed with an anxiety complex. And if he was on time, he was compulsive. Small wonder then that he was constrained to shrink away from his shrink. But not before telling the man in a nutshell that he was nuttier than a pecan pistachio peanut-butter sandwich.

I think the mind therapists, especially those child shrinks who advise kids to humour bullies or walk away from them should have their own heads examined. What they propound to these kids is a load of unadulterated, unbelieve-a-bull bull.

In the first place bullies are always irrita-bull and cannot by any stretch of the imagination be considered love-a-bull types. So in my lexicon you have to take them by the horns. They bulldoze their helpless contemporaries or rather bully-doze them into tears. They should create a bull-pen or to be more appropriate a bully-pen for the likes of such bully-raggers.

In later life they become impossible in the workplace as well as in society trying to intimidate their male peers while impressing the women, which is quite laugh-a-bull.

What the morons fail to realise is antediluvian strategy is archaic when it comes to wooing the ladies. They must keep in mind that it is not a bully market anymore. And modern caveman must not forget that romantic interludes in this day and age such as hugs and kisses are appreciated far more than ughs and hisses. Besides in everyone’s view intimate dating does not mean intimi-dating. Right captain!

But such behaviour is not confined to a machismo male gender pattern. That is because there are good many female bullies out there as well. You encounter the wretches in the schoolyard as well as in the workplace. They are the ‘Queen Bees’ and ‘Wannabees’ of the catty kind.

I mean those venomous witches who glide around the playground and spew out their spite on their hapless peers. Their wicked words are so virulent that I suspect that wherever they spit the grass dies instantly. That is perhaps the reason why there are so many burnt, withered patches on girls’ school lawns. Okay, okay we are mixing up feline metaphoric characteristics with the bovine feminine gender. So let’s even the similes and call them the hefty heifers.

Moreover, what does occur if you tell a teacher? The bullies are called into the principal’s office and told not to bully you. The harshest punishment meted out to them is a slap on the wrist. So, what do you do? Run back to the principal’s office? No, of course not. There’s actually a time-tested, extremely effective way to deal with bullies that has worked for thousands of years. It’s called punching them in the face. If they no longer think of you as a soft target then they'll think twice about attacking you again.

I enrolled my grandson Kingsley in a jiu jitsu class when he was four. He soon learnt to punch and parry and was taught maturity and calm. But when he was being bullied by a nine-year-old he came to his old man for advice. This called for some sound reasoning about conflict resolution.

I told him: “Next time he comes around kick him in the ... well... right where it hurts him most.. and when he bends over punch him in the face or with whatever you can get your hands on. You're small so you'll have to fight dirty. He may retaliate. But chances are, because bullies are essentially cowards he’ll back off. Whatever happens get in some good shots. If you make it cost him something he will stop bothering you.”

I also advised him: “If he comes around with his friends and you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."

A few days later when the big bully confronted him in the kinder playground Kingsley took him on with a perfect combination of versatile yellow belt moves. He even managed to get him in a choke-hold and strip him of his sports shirt. He then waved it triumphantly in similarity to a conquering hero exultantly brandishing a vanquished enemy flag. His little peers cheered: “That’s a great T-ease shirt.”

Children cope with teasing in a variety of ways. For example, they may walk away or stand up to the individual who is doing the teasing or confront a teaser with friends who will stand up for them. So when the bully returned with a trio of his nine-year-old friends little Kingsley, 4, beat a tactical retreat.

But he is resourceful little nipper. Within a few minutes he returned triumphantly following the fastest conscription exercise in the history of modern conflict. He led the charge of the 15-strong midget militia with the confidence and panache of a legendary general. The infantile infant-ry brigade looked pretty formidable.

Faced with the prospect of being overwhelmed by the juvenile juggernaut the bullying quartet retreated with a speed that appeared to overtake their fleeing shadows.

The bullies also stopped entering their territory and learned that little guys can retaliate! This means that now Kingsley is the anti-bully hero. But he only bullies the bullies. Does that mean he is a bulldozing ‘bully bully’?