Pardon your (signboard) slip is showing:

‘English as she is wrote!’

Gaston De ROSAYRO

English, Ingrisi or Engrish in whatever part of the world she is spoke gives class. No? You all know that Ingrisi is the informal Sinhala term for the Queen’s lingo.

Engrish, in case you are unaware, is the name for the occidental writing which appears on Japanese and Chinese signs.

It is obvious that the enterprises or their Ingrisi and Engrish sign writers, attempt to give a product cachet, a stamp of prestige, so to say. Yet although the result is a fundamentally English phrase it can sometimes be uproariously flawed and ambiguous.

Unlike in Sri Lanka, to the Japanese or Chinese readers, the Engrish words are meaningless since most speak English about as well as most westerners speak Chinese or Japanese.

But little do they realise that some of these English translations usually have a fatal flaw. The dauntless anglophiles and monarchists will doubtless rant and rave about the assassination of the Queen’s English. Or as the redoubtable Professor Higgins would have been prompted to use his immortal phrase: “Cold-blooded murder of the English language.”

Yet what many fail to apprehend is the reality that English has had an ineradicable impact on every population from Britain’s former far-flung empire to the Eastern European Bloc. In the early days of computing, in the 80’s, a London university tried to develop a programme that was so sophisticated it could translate several thousand colloquial phrases. At the official press conference a reporter entered the English phrase: ‘Out of sight, out of mind’. The resultant Russian was translated back to English: ‘invisible idiot’.

But as far as translations go people can be just as unwittingly funny as computers. Being an extensive traveller I have come across some sign board gems of English as she is wrote in diverse global locations. Despite reeling with jet-lag I have often observed and laughed like a hyaena at the very sight of them. Here are some of the more random samplings of signboard slips I have encountered on my sojourns as a voyager. Without a doubt, I have derived a vicarious pleasure from them. With malice to none here’s hoping they tickle your fancy as well.

Japan has more than its fair share of bloopers as well. I was tickled pink by these signs when I booked into a Tokyo hotel: “Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.” And another in the same hostelry which certainly seemed taking hospitality to suggestive extremes: “You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.” I fished out an air-conditioning information booklet in the same hotel which read: “Cooles and Heates. If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.” I sauntered down to the bar where the same irrepressible translator had been obviously at work. The promotional sign was emblazoned at the entrance: “Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.”When I walked into a car rental firm along with a fellow journalist and a photographer in Tokyo we were handed a standard brochure. It read: “When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.” Still in Japan on the road to Kyushu we encountered this road sign indicating a detour: “Stop: Drive Sideways.” Inside a Tokyo taxi was the sticker: “Please fasten seatbelt to prepare for crash.”

And again on the outskirts of Tokyo we walked through an industrial building looking for a washroom when we were hit by the sign: “For Restrooms – Go Back Towards Your Behind.” Hunting for my delayed baggage at Narita airport I did a double take when directed to a building in the terminal identified as: “Luggage Disembowel”. Conjuring up gruesome images of my fancy designer bags being slashed with a Samurai sword I rushed inside. I was relieved to observe my bags intact and none of their contents spilling out like eviscerated entrails.

And when in Rome it might be unsafe to follow the hackneyed adage of doing as the Roman do. Particularly with signs such as these howlers: Outside a doctor’s office: “Specialist in women and other diseases.” And in an Italian laundry: “Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.”

Tourists are checkmated to stand, stop, stare and snicker at this notice in a Czechoslovakian tour agency: “Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.” And another in a Czech cocktail lounge: “Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.”

If you happen to visit precocious Paris then you are bound to be entertained by the Francophonic interpretations of the argot across the channel. Here are a couple of classic examples of some literal Franglais translations: In a Paris hotel lift: “Please leave your values at the front desk.” Outside a Paris dress shop: “Dresses for street walking.”

Thailand too has some signs that provoke thigh-slapping laughter. There was this charmingly bewildering sign which is photographed over and over by tourists at the entrance to Wat Arun Temple in Bangkok. “Please dress up politely. Do not clime the rail, Do not dangle any doll. Do not drop cigarette and waste on the floor!” Or how would you have reacted to this shingle outside a Bangkok dry cleaning outlet: “Drop your pants here for best results.”

Still, I like this advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand best. Check it out. It is so admirably asinine: “Would you like to ride on your own ass?”