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Short story:
Fleeing in the rain
Sachitra MAHENDRA
Glistening raindrops scatter on the windowsill. It was just the same
a few days ago too. But that was before you flew away, Supun. You were
here to give me company wrapping around me. And today I am freezing all
alone. Oh rains calm down, please... Let me not suffocate in those
memories, painfully sweet.
I stay tight to those warm memories - that only makes me suffer.
Supun when would you fly back, neither you nor I have an idea. I had
your warmth only for the past two weeks and you left behind memories I
cannot live off.
You set a wall between us so high on the very first day you came to
Sri Lanka for the first time after our marriage. Perhaps it was a just a
play of your knowledge authority over me. You had many things to share
with parents and siblings, and hardly anything with me. I was determined
to axe down that wall. It didn't crumble down to the ground, even so I
could make it melt down.
 Cards
on the table, we had heaps of differences. I nodded to most of the
things you said though I didn't agree by heart. Even if only to make you
happy. Any trivial thing in this world could make you feel down. But I
cannot count how many times you let me down. You shrugged off my ideas
in our family conversations, oftentimes.
Don't worry, I don't mind it. I feel your touch on my shoulder in an
intimate moment when we had our own space. I don't want to let it slip
by. How I wish that feeling to hang over me for keeps!
I had a close look at you Supun. Night after beautiful night you
blossomed into a lotus. You consoled me when I was distressed. You
turned every night into a blissful joy. I need to say that aloud to this
whole world - nay whole universe - but I am stuck for words.
I cannot just believe that: we live in two different time zones now.
Perhaps you don't feel alone now with your busy schedules. That relieves
me.
I listen to the clock chime. That reminds me I have to wake up in an
hour or two or three to get ready. Work! I don't feel like going to work
today, Supun. I am too much obsessed with this memory. I don't want to
let it pass. If I can hold the clock tight, I would definitely do it.
But the clock chime would let me forget and carry on with day's work.
I remember that story you told me once. How a little bird became an
eagle by willpower and flew mightily to his sweetheart. Supun, fly back
to me like an eagle and stroke my hair as you did it every night.
I keep on ironing your clothes, just to breathe in you. I didn't let
you take some of your intimate clothes. They bring out those 'moments'.
Rain, please slow down. Memory of him stabs my heart, like a
sharp-edged knife. I don't want to suffocate. I couldn't concentrate
what I watch on the television. Passive figures, their heads bob, lips
merely move.
Do you remember that day? The day that was special to you and me? You
may draw a blank now with your busy schedules. Every night I go to bed
hugging the memory of that day. It is sweet - painfully sweet.
I didn't hear the birds chirp at the break of dawn. I didn't hear
anything, when you were so close to me. Do you remember I told this is
the bliss I ever believe in?
Supun, I know you cannot come back that soon. You have miles to go
before you end my suffocation. Academic work, job, enough money this and
that. All those harsh and hard times to slip by and I dream of one day I
cuddle you firm with certainty the bliss will last forever under one
roof - at least till the death do part us!
I am too sentimental, you know that. Quite opposite of you too. But
you fail to see how fragile a creature I am in this world. I do not get
your ideals on film, culture and arts. But I listen to them, sometimes
with feign interest just to entertain you. When I say no to most of your
questions, you glare at me saying 'see, you have a lot more to watch'.
Can't we live without film, culture and arts, Supun? I dare not voice my
thoughts, lest I shatter your heart, the crystal mirror I caress with
affection.
I am not in for big things, Supun. Remember, honeymoon was just a
useless thing for you. You turned it down flatly because you wanted to
be simple. But you didn't know you ruined the simple happiness of a
simple woman. Film, culture and arts do not let you realize an ordinary
woman's heart and her longing. They do not give you the idea of life. I
don't buy this story that tells women, would-be mothers, are the
strongest on the Earth. I lost all my courage. I had no one to share my
grief. I wept all along that night.
Supun, do you feel for me, the way I feel for you? I know you
wouldn't be completely honest in your answer. After all men are born to
be hard and tough in life's soft things, and women are born to put up
with that.
You are a man with dignity and tough attitudes. But I know you have
softness buried deep down your soul, scattered.
When we were all alone by the window, you stroked my forehead. You
took a while to see tears cascade down my cheeks. You were a little
upset then. I live with those memories, so precious, so priceless.
Your face rings me the moon I used to see every Poya day. I was
waiting for clouds to leave the moon alone, as a child. Moon shone a lot
when it was alone, as if trying to tell me something. Are you trying to
tell me that same thing, I wonder catching a glimpse of your eyes set on
mine. I want to make a leap into the sky and cling tight to the moon. If
only I can do that.
You tried to define love with every heavy word you knew. But love was
you - only you, Supun - for me. I didn't think I could hold my heavy
heart at the airport. May be I did not want emotions to stand in your
way. I kept my emotions tight to myself, and let loose once you were
drifting out of sight, inch by inch.
Supun, please do fly back to me. I do not want to see you on a
computer screen. I need to feel you. I crave for your warmth - it means
a lot to me. Your whispers of comfort in my ears. I dare not touch your
shirts - I am unholy to profane them.
Glistening raindrops scatter in drops on the windowsill. Oh! night,
wear away soon. Slow down, rain. End your sojourn, sweet slumber. I need
to get back to the world. |
