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The new Rasputin

"What a bore you are!" said Lyudmila Putin, the wife of the Russian President. "Ag bore?, asked Vladimir Putin, looking at his wife with mild astonishment. "Would you have me be flashy and flamboyant like Clinton or silly and stupid like Bush?"

"At least they are not boring." said the Russian first lady yawning.

"And I am?"

"Very." said Mrs Putin. "Just look at you. That suit has no style, no cut. Your shoes are ones worn by Russian schoolboys and look like sardine crates!"

"Sardine crates?" shouted an astonished President.

"Whatever," said the First Lady. " Sardine crates or ammunition boxes, just look at them! Did you see the pictures they took of us at the Taj Mahal? We could have shoved in Bush and Blair in the space between us.

You are so boring Vladimir."

"So were a lot of other world leaders," said Putin defensively.

"Like whom?" asked the first lady. "Look at Francis Mitterand. Kept a mistress and even had a daughter by her. She even came for her father's funeral! How romantic!"

"What about John Major?" asked the Russian president. "Don't you remember him? One of the most boring fellows who ever became the prime minister of England. Staid and grey with owlish glasses and pin striped suits."

"John Major?"

"Yes John Major dear. You don't seem to remember him because he was such a bore." said Putin gleefully.

"He wasn't such a bore dear..."

"Oh yes he was," said the Russian president emphatically.

"Looks like your KGB fellows are on holiday or you haven't read the morning papers," said the first lady. "John Major," according to Edwina Currie his former lover possessed extraordinary libido and was a Latin lover in bed!"

"John Major!" exclaimed Putin.

"Yes my dear, quite a Romeo was our John. Admits he had a passionate four year affair with a lady junior minister."

"Why is he telling the world all this now?" asked the Russian president.

"The same reason, I'm telling you, you are boring." said his wife sweetly. "The world loves a romantic rascal and will make a hero of him.

Obviously John intends making a come back to British politics and what better way than this?"

"What has all this got to do with me?" asked a puzzled Putin.

"My dear husband if you intend becoming a world leader you better do something quickly before Bush or Blair beat you to it."

"What do I do?" asked a desperate Putin.

"Well you know our very own Oxana Fedorova?"

"The Miss World." said the Russian president.

"The former Miss World," corrected the President;s wife. "Remember she has resigned the title."

"She's a beautiful Russian woman," sighed Putin.

"Good! Now order her to tell the world, she resigned on your instructions, that she is actually your mistress!"

"What?" shouted the President of Russia looking at his wife with consternation.

"Darling in one move you will become the greatest lover in the world and a world leader. Clinton's Monica and Major's Edwina will be no match to your Miss World affair. They may even start calling you Rasputin!"

"And what about you?" asked a dumbfounded Putin.

"Oh me, I'll just stop by in London and find out for myself how much of a bore John Major really is..!

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