LOSING AN ELDERLY PARENT IS NEVER EASY…

Your parents maybe old and nearing the end of their long lives but as I discovered when my father passed away, it is never easy losing a parent. They may be sick and unable to move, yet you can treasure every moment you spend with them. It is never easy, having to take care of ageing parents, right in the middle of hundred and one other things but always remember you will cherish the memory when they are gone.

My father lived for eighty years – something I must rejoice about – but when the end came, I found it hard to handle. All that was left were the memories and having to comfort my mother. The memories keep saying, you could have spent one more moment, one more effort at enjoying his company. I tried to find the time but like most of my generation, I was always busy, always doing things. During the last few months, we only managed to connect hurriedly, moments of time snatched between busy work schedules.

Twilight years

It does not have to be that way. Find the time for those in their twilight years. Let them live free and doing the things they love to do. I know as well meaning adult children, we want to ensure the very best for them so we sometimes try to restrict them from doing what pleases them. That, as I found out, is not always the best. They have lived their lives, they have done their duties and as they await their call, they want to do what they like to do. In my father’s case, we tried to keep him from his drinks and smoking but without much success. He believed he had done his duties and his life was his and his alone to do as he pleased.

In retrospect, I believe he was right. If they long for occasional treats of chocolates or a smoke, please let them have it. Robbing them of their desire for such treats upsets them – they do not want to be in perfect health although we desire them to be so. They lived better lives than we do and in the twilight years, they want to enjoy whatever time there is left.

Another lesson I learnt was that it is never too late to talk. Always try to find the time to talk and connect. My father was a well known journalist of his day and was never short of a topic for conversation but we did not find the time as we should have. When my children were smaller, he enjoyed their company tremendously but as they grew and became pre-occupied with studies, X Box and games, he found there was nothing much left to talk. My son tried to teach Seeya computer and game skills but he never learnt much. I guess it is always good to let young children spend time with ageing grandparents for they can learn so much and enjoy their company, which busy parents cannot always provide.

Taking care of ageing parents must never be treated as a chore but a pleasure – all too soon, you will miss them when they are gone. Find the time to do little things for them, such as showing old movies and playing music from olden days. In the evening of their lives, nothing brightens up their day than attention from their children.

Conflict of opinions

Until his death, my father loved to wait for the sandwiches I used to make. While making tiffin for the kids, I would also make a batch of sandwiches for him and my mother. It signified perhaps a return to childhood for them, despite the fact that he was alert and active until his last day. I regret not having had the time to make the sandwiches because the kids were on holiday. Never postpone doing things for them that they enjoy.

Premil Ratnayake doing what he always likes to do.

Parents will always be parents even though they are old and are now in need of being taken care of themselves. Let them have their say even though you may not always agree with it. They hurt when you do not pay attention as you should – sometimes we have a conflict of opinions but as I have learnt, what matters is not always saying the right thing but listening to them and paying attention.

I never thought the good-bye would come so soon – nobody does. But when it does come, nothing prepares you for it. You discover that when the logistics of a funeral is finished, grief does wash over you in waves. It takes weeks to come to terms with a parent’s death and sudden memories can trigger off a wave of grief. Especially when you recall the times when your father held your hand, took you to school, made your sandwiches and took you to see the newest movies.

Enjoy your parents in their old age. They will soon be gone. And all you have will be memories.