A searing hot walk on the chillie side

Gaston de ROSAYRO

Everyone has an opinion about chillies. Arguably, they are the most contentious foods in the world, triggering red hot debates as to their origin, authenticity, preparation, and influence on international culinary practices.

I am no botanical or biological genius but am of the firm belief that chillies possess a remarkable resemblance to women in character, size and shape. They come in a variety of colours, shapes and flavours. They can be white, red, green, orange or almost the colour of chocolate. They can be pointy, round, small, club like, long, thin, globular, tapered, or bell shaped.

There are also different varieties of the habenero type round ones that pack a huge zap. Because of their spherical shape the Sri Lankans call them Bolay Miris. Their skin is smooth, shiny and undulating and the shape, though highly variable, are roughly the same as a tomato although on a smaller scale.

Because these mini tomato-like veggies can cause a great deal of scorching distress to your mouth, gullet, intestines and finally make your 'porta' feel like a pin cushion.Many hardened chillie buffs prefer the hotter bell-bottomed ones which some quick witted Sri Lankans mischievously describe as the Bola -Wathies of the genre.Besides, in similarity to the females of the species their skin may be shiny, smooth or wrinkled and their walls may be thick or thin.

Again in likeness to the different feminine dispositions not all chillies are hot. But do not be deceived. Be assured that only a few of them are as mild as capsicums. The local capsicum, referred to as the malu miris is known as the 'banana chillie pepper' in the West.

Besides, the real 'hot head' chillie aficionados would look down their noses at the milder varieties used to dress up fancy salads. Yes siree, they will tell you that bell peppers and capsicums are strictly for sissies! The colour of chillies is no guide to the intensity of their bite or flavour. Nor is the size. Watch out in particular for the tiniest variety, commonly called the kochchi miris in Sri Lanka. Yes, they are so fiery that petite women with explosive tempers often earn the appellation kochchi karala. In Malaysia and Singapore they are called 'Chillie Padi' which is also a euphemism for a petite, feisty and sexy woman.

Only the very bravest among the 'Chillie Heads' and lover boys will dare trifle with the zany, zesty, pint sized fiery pods or the tiny fearless women who have earned the moniker. It certainly does reinforce the reality that good things come in small packages and pack a heck of a blazing punch to boot! Westerners whose curiosity often get the better part of their discretion, will find their tonsils volunteering to come out by themselves after hastily biting into the wrong flame thrower.

A former Indian colleague named Rajaram said as far as he was concerned they were equally precious and indispensible. According to him: "You know yaar they complement each other so well. I shay, I yam yalways in hot pursuit of both. The hotter and most texture in both the chillie and the lady, the higher the esteem in my eyes. It is a man's thing."

I shall never forget the most hilarious chillie story when I was working in Singapore. It unravelled during a cricket match tea break. We returned to the pavilion from the field and were served egg sandwiches which were too bland for my palate. Observing a 'kochchi miris' plant well- laden with white and red pods I plucked about two dozen, washed them in a garden tap and put them in a paper plate.

Rajaram and another Indian colleague naturally strayed towards the chillie dish and helped themselves. Rajaram walked up to two of our British team mates nibbling his pods while biting into a sandwich. Jimmy, an Irish advertising manager notorious for his foul mouth wanted to know what the side dish was. Rajaram quipped: "Yaall hot shot Brits will never be able to take it." Jimmy answered: "Why you doubting Indian, I will show you. These are the tiniest chillie peppers I have ever seen!" Then he popped about four pods into his mouth while offering a handful to his compatriot Alan, a copy editor.

It was not long before the players and spectators were given an entertaining cameo by the two expatriates who had been caught up in an uncontrollable vortex of their own making. Very soon they were skittering around swirling and tripping over themselves in a frantic search for water and beer to quench the flames within. Unable to bear the burning sensation in their tongues and gullets and perhaps imagining that they might ignite at any moment they sought any liquid panacea available.

And then addressing Rajaram Jimmy yelled in an agonised screech: "Holy Moses! What the ffff..reaking hell is this stuff! Help me put the flames out you Bombay baboon!" The expletives were now being spewed around thick and fast. Rajaram the tormentor was in his element. He shot back: "Amma shoru...Jim-eeee ... Jim-eee we all needing an attitude adjustment now and then. Now you've found it - Mega Death will fool your mouth and rock your world!"

Alan began lamenting as well: "You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I would not feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water." Rajaram rubbed it in more: "Yallan, Yallan ... poor fallow. Yegcellent firehouse chillie!. Great kick. Keep this out of the reach of children and sissy expats. At least during the autopsy, they will know what killed you."

Jimmy Irish countered: "My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. These damn pods have given me brain damage. I have decided to stop breathing. It is too painful. Those damned frigging chillies....And that blasted Indian is soon going to be a good Indian...because he is going to be a dead Indian."

Rajaram started firing from the hip: "Adai, adai, adai ... So you think you are tough? You are not so manly as we sub-continentals. That stuff will melt your insides and blow a hole in your ... ring-piece. Are you ready to have your backsides kicked by those tiny chillie pods?"

He continued with perverse relish: "Hokay, hokay. But I yam giving just giving yadvance notice that once the pain in your mouth subsides it's going to burn on the vay in and ... vell, you get the picture. Aiyaa Saami! It is going to be a moving experience. I'm not sure what you are supposed to taste besides pain.

Now when you go home fill up your old tin bath with cold water. You are going to need it!"

It is enough to give the uninitiated the chillie-willies!

[email protected]