Funeral at Facebook

Amalshan GUNERATHNE

It was a somber day at Cyber universe. The usual exuberance that surrounds the cyber universe was nowhere to be seen.

The Facebook users were all shell shocked by the untimely passing-away of their colleague, Shane Williams. At the age of fifteen, Shane Williams has left the cyber universe, never to come back again. Many wondered why?

Some called it a suicide. He deactivated all by himself, they said.

Some feared the worst, claiming that he was hunted by a virtual assassin or that he was devoured by a virtual predator.

But nobody knew for certain what caused his eventual death. At the prime of his youth, he has given up all of his virtual belongings and left cyber space for good.

The investigations are being carried out to unearth mystical forces that caused Shane’s untimely death. Issuing a press statement, Detective Norman of Cyber Police Department noted that they have reasons to believe that Shane’s account was hacked and tampered by a virtual predator.

As Police records indicated, Shane’s Facebook and Twitter profiles have taken a dark turn few days prior to his eventual death. As Detective Norman points out it may be that Shane was manipulated in to making those uncharacteristically dark statements by some unknown force.

Three days before the death Shane tweeted, “staring at the Ceiling fan, wishing that it will come crashing down on my head and shred it to millions of pieces.”

What caused Shane to make such a dark a Twitter update? Was he acting under the influence of some dark force, as said by the Detective Norman? Was he depressed to the extent that he would go to the extreme of killing himself?

Just a day prior to his death, Shane made the most disturbing Facebook status of all.

Shane who is also an avid Harry Potter fan posted an allegorical poem in Facebook which read as,

Twitter torn to glitters,

tottering and crumbling to clatters.

Lykens and hyenas, Vikings and Piranhas,

dressed in Golden Togas

ravaging cyber verandahs..

Predators dressed like Romanian Gladiators,

attacking sandy shores filled with dandy moose.

The all seeing Marauders Map-

the so called Facebook

turned to a Devil’s Hook

by ravaging Whoomping Willows.

If Shane’s recent Facebook activities are anything to go by, it is fair to assume that Shane did it on his own free will, that he committed the ultimate virtual suicide, but why? Why go to the extent of terminating himself from cyber universe? Shane’s closest friends also felt that Shane did it on his own freewill. Shocked and traumatized by the loss, Rachel Macdonald, Shane’s best friend said, “He just wouldn’t listen. I just know he did it all by himself. He was never happy with how things work in virtual universe. He was depressed by all the attention seeking status updates, mechanical Facebook smilies, and unrealistically exuberant photos that travel around cyber universe these days. I think he wanted more from his life. We wanted to support him, but he just wouldn’t listen.”

Rachel and her friends were crushed when they heard the tragic news. Mathew Riley, another friend of Shane was in utmost dejection, as he heard the news. “He was my mate in Mafia-Wars. We did everything together. He was good at what he did. He was good with all forms of virtual-guns and was deadly with Sniper Rifles. Everyone feared and respected him. Now that he is no longer with us, I fear many hooligans will rush in to catch his territory,” Mathew was grief stricken by the loss. As Mathew burst out crying, he further stated, “It was fun playing virtual games with him and I am going to miss him now.” Meanwhile, the elders were also flustered by the tragic incident. For elders, Shane’s death didn’t seem to make any sense. Fifteen is not an age to deactivate yourself from Facebook, they said.

“Fifteen is the time to cherish the marvels of virtual universe and enjoy your youth, chat with girls, poke at each other, make ridiculous Facebook statuses, play virtual gang-wars, and go fishing at Fishville. Why deactivate yourself at the age of fifteen? It just doesn’t make sense,” Shane’s sixty years old Uncle Anthony Hopkins rebuked.

Deactivating your Facebook account was the least thing that elders expected from a teen. The elders created Facebook so that their kids could have fun. Facebook made everything easier for them. The elders were happy to let kids have their fun at virtual children’s parks, as they occupied themselves with their routine work. Facebook was supposed to be a playful, safe sanctuary for their kids. But now that a kid has passed away, the elders are taken aback.

While many expressed their sincere condolences, Facebook gossip columnists exploited the incident and noted that he was smitten badly and noted in their columns that it was a classic case of ‘Unrequited Poke’. Exaggerated headlines in their Facebook gossip columns read, “Unrequited Poke caused Shane to Commit Suicide”. Some were not familiar with the term. “What on earth does ‘Unrequited Poke’ mean?” they quarried. But gossip columns explained it all. The columnists speculated that Shane has sent a virtual poke to a female user whom he used to like, but she has cold heartedly rejected his advances and according to columnists it’s the bitterness of this rejection that sucked life-blood out of Shane’s soul.

Despite endless conjectures, nobody really knew what caused the tragic incident. What caused Shane Williams to leave Cyber Universe? Was he forcibly terminated? Or was he assaulted? Or did he do it all by himself, no one really knew.

All they knew is that he was not there anymore. His account has vanished in to thin air and his exuberant existence will never tread cyber universe again.

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