Illusions

Thirty-one scented candles stood at the altar. I watched them with unblinking eyes. As time elapsed, each candle dimmed. Wax slides along its spiral curves and crept downwards to gather in droplets on the ground.

They froze in place once the heat diminished. Someone will clear them tomorrow and another set of bright candles will take their place. They will burn before the statues, evoking blessings. The cycle never stops. It continues throughout the days, months and weeks.

Yet, the hope that burns in the hearts of the people are similar. The tears which sting their eyes evoke similar tales. They all urge peace from the troubles that are eating into their minds. They ask for answers to incidents that have unfolded in their life or they seek the goodwill of the deities.

I know that my problem is like a drop in an ocean of the prayers that people from all over the world evoke in your name. Mine is no different from theirs. At times it may be less significant from their sufferings that you have to deal with each passing day.

But I know that you give ear to my prayers though you do not seem to respond always. That is a comfort for me because I know that you are there. You approve of my decision because it was taken to spare other's pain. I made myself the victim. I placed the dagger in my heart.

A couple of years had skimmed by. The wound which was deadly had dried overtime. Yet, it still oozes of unbearable pain. Blood still flows along with the memories.

Perhaps it will never be cured. Perhaps it will never fade into bruises but will always lie hidden like a silent volcano ready to erupt. I soon realized that my thoughts were not far off the mark. A belief turned into a reality! That is how deep the roots have grown.

Would I have ever searched for his soul behind every person's eye? Would I be seeking fragments of his personality in every individual's face? Would I pause to compare his incomparable laugh with every guy's smile?

The answer comes back to me. Yes, I still look for him in every corner of this world. Sometimes I imagine that I see him from far away. My heart skips and my breath catches in my throat. I fight the urge to run and fling myself into his arms. With trembling fingers I grip at an object nearby to steady myself. I take one step and then another and soon hurry on, combing through the crowd, my eyes fixed on his image, afraid least it should be swallowed up by the crowd.

At last I catch a closer glimpse of his face. I freeze on my tracks, my breath coming in gasps and my heart giving a painful lurch. It is only a mirage. But does he know how many illusions I have chased throughout these years. How many times I had to turn with silent tears?

He would have been 31 years had he been with me today. He had noting that my side of the society would have approved of. We were poles apart in education, background and wealth. Yet he rocked my world like no one had ever done before.

He touched me with something that cannot be brought from riches. He soothed my battered soul with the balm of his personality and his wisdom through experience. This I would cherish within me always. He who was the light of my life was cruelly wrenched out of my arms but like the sweet scent of the candles and the glow of the fire, his memories add fragrance and warmth to my soul.

Shehara

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