Dedicated to ‘superior sex’!:

Men and their woes

Samangie WETTIMUNY

How would you respond if one of your angry male colleagues suddenly asked you whether the society is mono-gendered, being dissatisfied with the way the ‘world’ treats him? “Haven’t I ever dealt with those so called ‘male issues’ if they have any?” I questioned back to which he snapped “Not in a serious manner, in a lighter vein.”

In a world where a lot of attention is being given to women’s issues and where gender issues are always ‘said’ to be discussed in favour of women, men, the so called superior sex have all the reasons to be unhappy. Today’s column is ‘seriously’ dedicated to those who suffer in silence because their ‘ego’ does not let them come out with their woes openly. But thanks to those ‘so called’ media crew who are basically everywhere- on trains and buses, at universities, at homes, at functions etc etc, in many forms as friends, well-wishers, family members, lovers etc etc, the world will no longer be kept in the dark about your woes!

Men’s issues range from seemingly ‘petty’ matters like their inability to ‘capture’ a girl to serious conditions like the struggle they undergo to build up their self image in the patriarchal society which expects them to bear heavy burdens and responsibilities.

Twenty-three year old Nuwan was worried as to why all the tricks he used on girls failed to work. “I started off trying to show how important I was and made her feel that she was not so important even though I truly loved her.” Having failed in his first attempt he started to woo another girl at the university who finally dumped him saying he was “not posh enough.” This marked the end of his second love story.

Thirty-six year old Nalinda said that as a boy he was burdened with house work, taking care of younger sisters etc. Today as a husband and a father he feels quite insecure about life. “I am not strong enough mentally to bear all these burdens. It is problematic when everyone expects a lot from men. We have to provide security to everyone. Though we do not bear and rear children the entire responsibility weighs on us.” According to him decision-making is no easy task and the amount of responsibilities and duties patriarchal society expects from men is sometimes unbearable.

At a time a great deal of attention is being given to discrimination of women in the fields of employment and education, men too claim that they are not better off though the number of such cases are relatively low. At the work place there are instances where women are given preference when it comes to promotions.

“Male employees are expected to do a perfect job whereas “incomplete work” done by “the fairer sex” is always accepted.” As Uvindu working for an IT firm in Colombo says women are discharged from office early and men are expected to work till late. In many instances their so called “superior” gender becomes unfavourable to them.

In a society where motherhood is held in high esteem, a similar importance is never given to fatherhood, moans men. Why are only a very few songs written on fatherly love whereas thousands of songs are dedicated to mother’s love? Why does the father’s contribution go unnoticed? Wanigasekera says that both parents want their children to achieve the optimum in whatever they do and he does not mind credit always being given to the mother.

“However it is unfair to undermine the role played by the father in nurturing and building up the image of the children. There are instances where my wife accuses me for not paying enough attention to household responsibilities without understanding that even my mere presence gives the family strength and courage.”

In the Asian context the social set-up is such that men largely depend on women when it comes to household work. This could become a problem if the husband outlives the wife. There are instances where these old men have to end up in elders’ homes. However unfair it is, there are situations where grown-up children tend to keep their old mothers with them as they could be used as baby-sitters and ignore their fathers altogether.

“Unpleasant public transport” expeditions too add up to men’s woes. Malinda says that although he hardly goes by bus he is extra careful when seated next to a woman. “There are men who do misbehave while on board, but not all men are like that. Even if we accidentally touch them by mistake, they will snarl at us. In fact we have better things to do in life than leaning on to women while travelling.”

Many stories remain untold, but the most prominent fact is that our ‘men folk’ are eternally struggling to ‘establish’ their image and identity as the patriarchal set up and assigned gender roles want them to behave in a strong and responsible manner. Ironically, the ‘methods’ used by men to achieve their goals are mostly viewed negatively by the very society which expects them to be strong and aggressive. You girls, better not to be too quick to label them as “black” characters. Let them learn from their experiences and faults. And you guys! No need to suffer in silence anymore when the ‘Gender Forum’ offers you a ‘helping hand!’

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Men buy, women meander:

Differently wired

Aditha DISSANAYAKE

Shopaholic’s test

Stating that the first step in self-healing is to understand that a problem exists in the first place, Dr. Baddevithana presents ten questions which in themselves are cathartic and has self-healing qualities which would help one to find out if one is a shopaholic or not.

1.  Do you think of shopping as a way to making you feel better?

2. Do you think of shopping as an answer to loneliness, unhappiness, depression or anger?

3.  Is there an inner drive that pushes you to shop?

4.  Do you buy things on an impulse, even if you don’t need them and can’t afford them?

5. Are your shopping binges aimless and unplanned?

6.  Even if you have planned to shop for a particular item, do you get sidetracked and end up buying a whole lot of excessive stuff that were not on your mind when you went shopping?

7. Do you displease your loved ones who think you have annoying shopping habits?

8. Have you got into financial trouble by overspending?

9.  If you have to depend on a supplementary credit card, how enthusiastic will your husband (or parents) be in getting you one?

10. Do you feel guilty or ashamed after a “buying binge” and hide the true nature of your buying habits from your family and friends?

Poor Professor Higgins. He can’t fathom why Elisa Doolittle cannot be more like a man. Why can’t she be “so honest, so thoroughly square; eternally noble, historically fair?” Why can’t she learn to use her head instead of her heart? But what if Professor Higgins had been a woman? What if Elisa was not Elisa but Tom or Will or Josh? Would Professor Higgins then, wonder why men can’t be more like women? Why can’t they be more like their mothers? Why can’t they ever remember a birthday? And above all why can’t they like shopping?

Ask the question from a psychologist. Dr. A.D. Priyanka Baddevithana, the author of “Path to Perfect Happiness” says the answer can be traced back to the stone ages when the “men hunted and the women gathered”. He thinks that it is quite normal for women to take more time when they do shopping compared to men and that the difference in behaviour should be excused on the basis of evolution. For, the two different approaches of our ancestors when it came to obtaining food mirrors how we shop in modern times. Today’s women spend hours trying to find the right outfit, present or object, because in the past they had spent ages trying to find the best quality and health giving food. Men on the other hand, decided in advance what animal they wanted to kill and then went looking for it. Once it was found - and killed - they returned home.

This view is confirmed by the journal Neuro Image where Professor Richard Haier of the University of California, says “The human evolution has created two different types of brains designed for equally intelligent behavior”. The brain being made primarily of two different types of tissue, called gray matter and white matter, this new research reveals men think more with their gray matter, and women think more with white. The final conclusion: men and women do think differently, at least where the anatomy of the brain is concerned.

This gender difference is aptly mirrored when it comes to shopping. Most women are happy to wonder through all the shops on the street regardless of the time they spend. From clothing and accessory collections to shoes, to crockery to plastic flowers, they will touch, stroke, smell, bargain and often leave without purchasing a single item. Often they seem to be searching for the unattainable which in exasperated shop assistant’s jargon is called “extra medium”. Men on the other hand see shopping as a mission. They are out to buy a targeted item and flee the store as quickly as possible. As one of my batch-mates explained to me once “When we men go into a store we ask for what we want, we buy it and we leave because we want to do something else with our time.”

Dr. Baddevithana cites the research findings of Dr. April Lane Benson, a leading psychologist in the USA, where more than 18 million American women are found to be shopaholics and feels that there could be a growing problem in Sri Lanka as well.

“You only have to see the look of despondence on the faces of male companions in the popular shopping haunts, to imagine that there exists a problem”, explains Dr. Baddevithana. “Where a shopaholic partner is involved it’s always possible to predict the age of the relationship of the couple on a shopping expedition”. In early relationships you see a brave face that turns sour or even angry as the relationship matures to the point when men exchange glances of empathy with other men, as they tag along, behind their wives on shopping sprees.

While taking time to do shopping to select an exact fit to expectation is an important aspect of feminine self-expression, shopping, if carried out to an excess, will lead to compulsive buying and addiction, which may have an underlying reason to fill an inner void. He stresses that this situation should be seen as a cry for help. “Shopaholics should be understood by their loved ones, as their behaviour could be the result of a disturbed self-concept or warped perception of societal relationships”.

If this quote from the movie Confessions of a Shopaholic explains how you feel about shopping perhaps it is time to think twice when you next decide to invade the nearest shopping mall.

“You know that thing when you see someone cute and he smiles and your heart kind of goes like warm butter sliding down hot toast? Well that’s what it’s like when I see a store. Only it’s better.”

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Underplayed male issues dimension

Nipuni WIMALAPALA

Where gender issues are concerned, the focus has mostly been on women. The reason is that women face serious issues compared to men. But it does not mean that men do not have gender based issues at all and there is also an accusation that male gender related issues have been overlooked. Daily News Gender Forum interviewed Professor Asanga Tilakaratne of the University of Colombo who said that all over the world gender issues are discussed in favour of women and men’s issues are not given any importance.

According to Tilakaratne, even though there is a general term called “gender”, always it’s focused on women. Gender’s base is sex. But sex and gender are two different things. As he stated sex is something physical which we acquire by birth and we do not have a choice. Sex is quite independent and no one can change it or challenge it. But gender is a social formation. Gender is made up by the society where we live. In different societies, it is set up in different ways. In societies ‘manhood’ and ‘womanhood’ are measured by different criteria which are formed within the respective societies. Sex is physical and firm while gender is attitudinal and social.

“However in general, both men and women face issues based on gender. It is evident that gender issues are predominantly of women, but it does not mean that men are totally free and they do not have problems. It is critical that in certain instances there are more serious issues men face as against the women. In Sri Lanka nobody can deny the fact that we are living in a male dominated society, but within that society sometimes men are rather subjected to issues compared to women.

There are number of examples which prove the fact,” stressed Prof Tilakaratne. As he mentioned, men are supposed to work and earn money everywhere in the world. So each and every boy is forced by the family to be educated and find a good employment. No man could be a house husband in our society even though there are plenty of house wives. Being at home doing household work and raising children ARE a real shame to a man though he really wants to do it.

If there is a man who is unable to find a job, he is insulted by the society and more difficult to keep status in this gender created society. So men are in a very difficult situation if they do not earn money. Another example is, sometimes if a man cooks and prepares tea at home, it becomes a joke to others. So some men who do household work do not reveal it to outsiders, because they do not want to be insulted by others.

“Apart from these general issues, in certain cases men are subjected to domestic violence. Of course ninety eight percent of domestic violence cases are done by men but there are two or three percent of cases where men become victims. But they are considered by no one. When men are emotional and want to cry or weep, they are not free to do it. Social formations are there that boys or men are not supposed to cry or weep, but they have to bear all the burden without shedding tears. It is unfair and I believe that if a man feels like crying , he must have the freedom to do so,” noted him.

“However my argument is there must not be restrictions, specifically assigned work or stereotyped criteria to differentiate man and woman. Both men and women must have the freedom to select their perspectives of life. If one wants to be a writer, nun, monk or whatever, he or she should have the right to become what she wants. Difference of physical formation of our bodies does not mean that men and women are supposed to think, behave and work in different manners. Physical formation mainly means reproduction.

As the professor mentioned, there are issues between women and men based on their gender. When they form a family, raising children, sometimes both husband and wife want to continue their higher education. It is hard, so in such a case one of them have to sacrifice and work towards the success of the family. So the question is who is going to give up the ambition? In this type of situation both face the problem. Recently in a country both husband and wife are politicians and both wanted to run for presidency. But unfortunately it is banned by their constitution and what they did was they got divorced. It shows that when both are too ambitious in their professions, it is hard to carry on a family life.

The best thing is to make the most appropriate decision, whether you need to produce successful children through mutual family life or to reach other professional targets. It depends on one’s perspective of life. “Conventionally women are supposed to be housewives, cooking, washing and looking after babies. We can’t deny the fact that traditional family is the best place for children to grow up, but does it mean that women are there to produce children and raise a family?

It cannot happen, because women also have other ambitions. So they must be given freedom to do whatever they prefer. My idea is both men and women are equally privileged in every matter and are supposed to live mutual lives”, noted Prof Tilakaratne.