Ego and desire
The feeling of a separate “I”, which we call ego-consciousness, is
directly related to the strength of ignorance, greed, and hatred. The
deepest meaning of ignorance is the believing in, identifying with and
clinging to the ego, which as we have seen, is nothing but an illusive
mental phenomenon. But because of this strong clinging to
ego-consciousness, attachment/desire, anger/hatred arise and repeatedly
gain strength.
The ego needs activity in order to exist. Like and dislike,
attachment, aversion, greed and hatred are the main overt activities of
the ego. The more desire and aversion we have the more alive we feel,
the more real and concrete the ego seems. In reality, the ego depends on
desire, its life-blood is desire.
The ego and desire are like the two sides of a coin - one cannot
exist without the other. The ego is projected desire, and desire is
projected ego. It is like pedalling a bicycle: if we go on pedalling,
the bicycle goes on moving; but if we stop pedalling the bicycle will
start slowing down and eventually collapse. The more we go on generating
desire the ego seems very real. When desiring stops the ego then appears
as an illusion.
Insatiable
This is why desire cannot be satisfied. If we stop desire (and this
means aversion also) then our sense of self starts getting weaker, it
starts to dissolve. Actually, the objects we desire, like or dislike are
not really that important. They are merely scapegoats or excuses for the
activity of the ego, to prevent ego-death. Any object will do. Though to
keep from appearing foolish, superficial or unwise the ego comes up with
all kinds of good-sounding reasons and justifications for why it needs
to acquire something or get away from something else.
That is why people in the West, especially in America, have yard-or
garage-sales. They have attics, closets, and garages full of things they
don’t use any longer, and not because it is necessarily worn out or
broken. Some of it - clothing, toys, gadgets, tools, etc. were probably
used very little or perhaps never.
These people need to empty out their closets and attics in order to
make room for more. Much of it, including the shopping trips, are simply
more activities, more life-saving ruses of the ego. And even getting
upset, irritated, and angry at others for seeming trivial things is
often only more excited energy to make the ego seem more alive.
However, at the same time it entails and generates a lot of
suffering. So we can see the direct connection between ignorance, desire
and the ego.
This is why it is so difficult for the average person, who does not
meditate, to quieten their mind and experience total rest. We are called
human beings, but a better term would be “human doings”. Even in sleep
the body will toss and turn and the mind goes on dreaming. The hardest
thing for the average person to do is to sit still, not move the body at
all, close the eyes, and do not go to sleep or get lost in daydreaming.
After a few minutes they would become increasingly restless, wanting to
do something. They cannot simply enjoy just being.
Past and future
This is because the ego-self would feel uncomfortable, strange,
useless and either go to sleep or start dissolving. The latter is in
fact what happens during deep concentrated meditation. That is why many
people shy away from or do not want to meditate. Many who do meditate,
cannot go into deep meditation for very long. The ego shrinks away from
the deep silence (even unconsciously) because it feels like death-ego
death.
Ego or “I” consciousness arises as a resistance to the flow of
impermanence coming through the senses. Resistance manifests as
attraction or aversion to sense stimuli, including our thoughts,
memories, and emotions etc. When attraction and aversion subside
resistance also subsides and along with it the strength of ego awareness
subsides. This can be directly observed during meditation.
Desire is also directly related to the past and future. When we see,
hear, smell taste, touch, and think, the mind unconsciously brings in
our past memories of attraction and aversion and reactions to the
present sense stimulation, and then it projects these into the future
with the subsequent thoughts, emotions, and reactions in the next
moments (or microseconds). So the conditioned mind is always moving
between the past and future, and this movement activity creates the
illusion of time. It also creates the illusion of “I” consciousness.
Both time and the ego are simultaneously created through the deepest
inner activity of the mind, generated by ignorance and desire.
The practice of mindfulness or vipassana meditation is essentially a
practice of keeping the attention in the present moment, being aware of
whatever the body and mind is doing in the present moment.
- Maithri.com |