Too much praise to young is not a good thing
RESEARCH: You tell them they are beautiful, talented, special
and they believe it. But in the long term, compliments and
encouragements could be damaging your children.
Researchers in the US claim telling children they are special too
often is creating a âself-centredâ generation, who are more likely to
grow up into narcissistic people who suffer failed relationships, lack
of emotional warmth, react violently to criticism, lack empathy and
commit infidelities.
The findings are by a group of American psychologists, led by
Professor Jean Twenge of San Diego State University, who examined the
responses of 16,000-college students over the last 24 years using a
survey called the Narcissistic Personality Inventory.
The inventory, used to assess narcissistic tendencies, asks them to
respond to statements such as: âI think I am a special personâ and âIf I
ruled the world, it would be a better place.â
Students today emerged higher on the narcissistic scale with 30 per
cent more scoring above average than those in 1982, they found.
Children nowadays are more self-centred than previous generations and
blamed it on the rise of the âself-esteem movementâ in the 1980s when
its importance was championed by parents and child-carers, the
researchers said.
They pointed to MySpace and YouTube saying such websites, which
encouraged âattention-seekingâ, showed the trend for narcissisms and in
fact fuelled it.
Professor Twenge, author of the book âGeneration Me: Why Todayâs
Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled - And More
Miserable Than Ever Beforeâ, said it was time to stop telling kids
âtheyâre specialâ or that they can do or be anything and instead help
them set more realistic goals in life.
According to Hong Kong mother and author Shirley Yuen, children with
low self-esteem will lack the self-confidence they need to succeed in
life.
âThey will either turn out to be timid and fearful because they think
that they are not good enough to survive in this world, or they will be
self-centred and arrogant because they want to cover their fear by
barking around,â she said.
Shirley, the author of âThe Three Virtues of Effective Parentingâ,
believes that a narcissistic generation as outlined by the US
researchers is not something Asians particularly Hong Kong Chinese have
to worry about.
Instead, she says in general the opposite is true with many parents
suppressing a childâs self-esteem development.
âThey do this for three reasons,â she said. âFirst, they are afraid
that if they allow themselves to build the self-esteem of their
children, their children will have âa mind of their ownâ, which will
intimidate their authority as parents.
âSecond, they are afraid that once a child has high self-esteem, he
or she will not be âhumbleâ which according to Chinese culture is an
important virtue. Thirdly, Chinese parents tend to focus much more on
the ânegativeâ side of their children than their âpositiveâ side.â
Leung Li Chi-mei, principal coordinator of Hong Kong Christian
Service Family Networks, agrees, pointing to a recent study by the
network which found that 30 per cent of 845 pupils aged eight to 11
interviewed had felt hurt and upset by ânegativeâ comments by parents.
Where does this leave parents? Praise too much and they risk raising
self-centred narcissistic children. Praise too little and their children
could develop low self-esteem and become more at risk of drug addiction,
abuse and other social ills.
âIf we over-appreciate, over compliment children, we risk making them
becoming self-centred. Instead, we should be helping them see and accept
their limitation and find some ways to improve themselves and set
realistic goals. Self-esteem is okay, but push it the wrong way and it
can be harmful.â
Shirley Yuen says the key is teaching children benevolence and to see
the world from other perspectives. Professor Twenge agrees, saying
building âempty self-esteem and narcissismâ lacking in empathy is the
problem.
âAlthough itâs great for kids to aim high, parents and teachers
should make sure that kids set realistic goals,â said Twenge on the San
Diego State University website.
âHelp them develop the talents they do have, while gently helping
them realise that most people do not become famous or rich. Itâs
possible to encourage kids without telling them that they can do or be
anything.â
(Courtesy: Indo-Asian News Service) |