Mistresses sans social stigma

Lifestyle

MARRIAGE: In this conservative Roman Catholic nation of 87 million where divorce is still banned, it appears that mistresses — being one and having one — have gained a degree of acceptability.

“There is no stigma to being someone’s mistress, at least not in the Philippines,” says Jullie Yap Daza, author of the best selling book “Etiquette for Mistresses: And What Wives Can Learn From Them”.

“And you don’t have to be rich to have a mistress. In fact some mistresses at the lower end of the socio-economic ladder pay for the privilege by cooking and cleaning,” the columnist and television personality said in an interview.

“While we still have no divorce in this country mistress will always be seen as wife number two or three or four, depending on how many a man has,” she said.

First published in 1993 the book is now in its 11th edition, which has already sold out its initial 5,000 print run.

“I first got the idea for the book during the 1992 election campaign when I asked candidates how many mistresses they had,” she said.

“They were quite open about. The wives on the other hand were less open, saying as long as their husbands came home they could live with it.”

Philippine law recognises the rights of illegitimate children who can carry the father’s name and have inheritance rights. But the mistress is not legally recognised.

Cynthia Falicia, spokesperson for the national women’s group Gabriela, said mistresses have become a “sad fact of life” for the Philippines.

“Because we have no divorce in this country many women find themselves trapped in bad marriages,” she said.

Congresswoman Liza Maza currently has a Bill before Congress to legalise divorce in an effort to give women at least a measure of parity in their marriages.

“While absolute fidelity is demanded of wives, men are granted sexual licence to have affairs outside marriage,” Maza said. “Yet when the marriage fails, the woman is blamed for its failure.

“There are many unhappy marriages across all Filipino classes. Many couples, especially from the marginalised sectors, who have no access to the courts, simply end up separating without the benefit of legal processes.”

A researcher with the University of the Philippines Centre for Women’s Studies, who did not want to be named, described mistresses were a “social reality”.

“Many married men have mistresses. Some women accept it. Some choose to ignore it,” she said, adding that if this predominately Catholic country had modern divorce laws “things may be different”.

“Wives may not like it but they are the ones with most to lose,” said Daza.

“If they walk out on the marriage they stand to lose their kids, security, social status and bank account.

“The mistress, on the other hand, may have her man but she has no rights at all while the law does give rights to the children born out of wedlock.

“I know so many women who have become mistresses knowing they will never be Mrs X or Y but they don’t mind. They go in with their eyes wide open even if love is blind,” Daza said.

She said the word “mistress” no longer had the same connotations it did 20 years ago, and is now used more liberally in films and TV soap operas. “No one is trying to hide or disguise the word,” she said.

Daza does give one piece of advice to mistresses: “Make sure you insure him.”

“An insurance policy, paid for by the beloved philanderer, with his mistress and their offspring as beneficiaries, is a piece of paper that’s as good as a substitute marriage contract,” she said.

“Unless she has secured a house, jewels, cars, bonds and a bank account in her name, insurance is her best bet.”

In a country where more than 80 percent of the population is Catholic, divorce is unlikely to be legalised soon. The Philippine Constitution declares that the state shall protect marriage as an inviolable social institution and as the foundation of the family, a provision that Catholic groups use to block any legalisation of divorce.

The law does allow couples to separate but not remarry, although an exception is made for the Muslim minority for whom divorce is constitutionally recognised as a custom.

The Family Code allows remarriage if couples obtain an annulment on the grounds of “psychological incapacity” of one of the spouses — which is open to wide interpretation.

Such annulments — known as “divorce, Catholic-style” — are accepted by both church and state, but obtaining one is a long and expensive ordeal that relatively few couples undertake.

“Is it any wonder that men in this country prefer to keep the status quo when it comes to divorce,” Daza said. “What would happen if we had divorce laws in this country? Men would have to start paying for the children they produce,” she said.

In the meantime, Filipinos will continue to cope with contradictions so endemic that, according to Daza, even some priests have been known to keep mistresses.

“When I first started researching this book I thought it would be difficult to get women to open up and talk. But women love to talk and I was surprised just how frank some of them were,” Daza said. She had also wanted to write a book on the married men with mistresses but, she said, “no one wanted to talk”.

AFP