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| Tuesday, 4 November 2003 |
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Coping with the death of a child The Moving Finger by Lionel Wijesiri Near dawn on a wet Sunday in the month of November three years ago, after a long and heavy night, Sajith died. He was 13 years and died after losing a year's battle with leukaemia. His life ended without struggle, anxiety, or pain and in his passing, there was only the absolute peace and love of those of us who were with him. I cannot think of words to describe the death of a boy so young, so much to claim from life and so deeply denied. Sajith was a typical young boy, bright, kind and very inquisitive. He loved people and had a warm accepting way about him and continued to be a joyful boy even when he was sick. He particularly loved space adventure and had several new discoveries to share with me when we met each other. I believe that losing a child is a sacred wound for a parent, in the deepest mythological sense. You do not get over it. You are transformed by it. You emerge from this ordeal another person, having given birth to a higher self that is unattainable to those who have not also undergone the trauma. Traumatic experience It is indeed a terrifying experience to hold and feel the ebb of life slowly leave the body of a young boy as pulses recede and breathing declines and he sees nothing in his vacant eyes. Seven years ago at an urban hospital in Malaysia I have seen a mother hold her dying 10-year old son as if she was holding a two-year old baby and softly murmur to the departing about mountains and trees and rivers in a remote village. And as the child died she sang, slowly and gently that killed the sorrow which came into me and I looked deep into her eyes hoping to understand. I didn't understand that day. I still do not. Yet, when I hear of dying children I think of the young lady who can softly sing children to death and sleep. Sajith's parents found that life will never be the same again. They lost their only child. For them, grief seemed the only possible emotion and sadness the only option`. Sajith's unfortunate death kept me thinking. How many of our parents really know how to cope when a child meets a premature death? With the death of your child, your hopes, dreams and plans for the future are turned upside down. You are beginning a journey that is often frightening, painful and overwhelming. In fact, sometimes your feelings of grief may be so intense that you do not understand what is happening. Suggestions Dr. Alan D. Wolfel, who is a noted author, and a Director of the Centre for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, USA, provides six practical suggestions to help any parent move toward healing in the personal grief experience. (1) Realize your grief is unique: Your grief is unique. The unique child you loved and cared for so deeply has died. No one, including your spouse, will grieve in exactly the same way you do.. Don't try to compare your experience with that of others or adopt assumptions about just how long your grief should last. Consider taking a "one-day-at-a-time" approach that allows you to grieve at your own pace. (2) Expect to feel a multitude of emotions: The death of your child can result in a variety of emotions. As strange as some of these emotions may seem, they are normal and healthy. Allow yourself to learn from these feelings. And don't be surprised if out of nowhere you suddenly experience surges of grief, even at the most unexpected times. These grief attacks can be frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed. They are, however, a natural response to the death of your child. Find someone who understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about them. (3) Be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits: Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued. Your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible. Caring for yourself doesn't mean feeling sorry for yourself, it means you are using survival skills. (4) Talk about your grief: Express your grief openly. When you share your grief outside yourself, healing occurs. Ignoring your grief won't make it go away; talking about it often makes you feel better. Allow yourself to speak from your heart, not just your head. Doing so doesn't mean you are losing control or going "crazy". It is a normal part of your grief journey. (5) Gather important keepsakes: You may want to collect some important keepsakes that help you treasure your memories. You may want to create a memory book, which is a collection of photos that represent your child's life. Some people create memory boxes to keep special memories. Then, whenever you want, you can open up your memory box and embrace these special memories. The reality that your child has died does not diminish your need to have these objects. They are a tangible, lasting part of the special relationship you had with your child. (6) Embrace your spirituality: If religion is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you are angry at God or Karma because of the death of your child, realize this feeling as a normal part of your grief work. Find someone to talk with who won't be critical of whatever thought and feelings you need to explore. You may hear someone say, "When you really become involved in religious activities, you don't need to grieve". Don't believe it. Having your personal faith does not insulate you from needing to talk out and explore your thoughts and feelings. To deny your grief is to invite problems that build up inside you. Express your faith, but express your grief as well. Memories "Memories light the corners of our lives," an old song says, and it is these memories, good and bad, which need to be talked about, and made peace with, before a hopeful tomorrow can be lived. As people who have been blessed with the capacity to give and receive love, we are forever changed by the experience of grief in our lives. We, as human beings, do not 'get over' our grief but work to reconcile ourselves to living with it. We hope eventually to find some meaning for these sad happenings in our lives, to heal and to grow. Life is not fair. Life is a series of tragic losses but we cannot lose something unless we have first had it. So the magnitude of each loss becomes the measure of life's gifts. |
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