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Wednesday, 26 September 2012

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From the deathbed

It's been just over two weeks since Anil became ill. None of the drugs prescribed by his general practitioner seemed to have any effect on his disease. He became rather confused, frustrated and worried as he just could not understand the present predicament.

Dr Silva's remarks during his last home visit made his thoughts drift in all directions. However much he tried to brush those thoughts aside, one particular sentence kept on boomeranging to add more torture to his body and soul.

“Now be careful my son. What you experienced was a silent mild heart attack. Any relapse could lead to thrombosis. My advice to you is to take enough bed rest for about a month or so and to take things easy.”

This particular sentence kept on bugging him from time to time like glowing ambers in a pile of ash. During such moments Anil could feel as if some kind of a lump coming up from nowhere and blocking his heart. Overcome by fear and pain he tried to turn to a side and sleep.

‘Me naki minussunge leda ne, nona’ (these are old folks’ diseases madam). ‘Hari pudumaine me davaswala podi lamaintath mewa hedena eka’ (how strange it is that at present times even young becoming victims of such diseases). Anil could hear an old lady whispering to his mother.

There is certain element of truth in what she had to say to my mother, Anil thought.

Being a young fellow like him and, not even reaching the age of twenty two and to suffer from a silent heart attack, however trivial it may be, was a real mystery to him.

There could be many reasons behind all this which triggered a heart ailment. Then, who is responsible? He tried to conceal such thoughts in his own mind because even a small mental attempt in that direction would certainly not going to help him in his present medical condition.

After being confined to bed for three weeks at home, Anil was finally admitted to a hospital due to other complications such as swollen lungs and breathlessness.

If there was anything that Anil despised more than the illness itself, it had to be the never ending line of visitors who dropped in to see him at all odd hours despite the hospital putting up notices clearly displaying visiting hours and ringing ‘time-up’ bells.

True, people visit patients in hospitals most of the time out of sincere feeling and caring, including a few percentage out of social or official obligations, but the constant puring in at all odd hours made him uncomfortable as Anil had to explain awnd answer numerous questions repeatedly in parrot fashion. Yet, how could he open his mouth and tell them that? Most of the time Anil closed his eyes and pretended to be ill to avoid visitors.

One day, until Dharma appeared near Anil's bed he never expected to see her again. The very moment Anil set eyes on her, he quickly turned to a side on the bed, perhaps due to an automatic reflex action. Certainly he had not pre-meditated to ignore her.

“Why are you turning away the moment you saw me coming”? She was quick to question him.

Anil became dumbfounded, closed his eyes tight. Meanwhile, he could feel a rather melancholy texture in Dharma's voice.

“I came all the way having heard that you were in hospital not to play games with you Anil, but to see you as a hospitalized patient.”

He could not keep quiet any longer but had to respond.

“Dharma, are you crazy to stand here and cry?”

“So what harm in crying? If you are innocent, we don't owe a thing to others, why should we be worried or frightened of any one?” She remarked.

“That's the kind of attitude which pushed me into this situation.”

“What....? Are you trying to tell me Anil that I am the cause behind your illness then?”

“You are also partly involved Dharma.”

“I am sorry Anil you have grossly misunderstood me. Please withdraw that remark at once. You know full well that at every count I was with you and supported you sincerely. To my knowledge Anil, apart from being with you on your side all the time, I have not caused a pin head of a thing against you or to make you a sick person. May be one day the truth will prevail and you will realise that I am innocent. I can't bear to hear such nonsense any more, I am leaving,” she left the hospital crying.

What reason Anil had to accuse her and blame her the way he did from a hospital bed and the way he reacted to her in her presence became a puzzle to both of them. From day one Anil associated with her she had been a good friend. He simply could not find even an atom of wrong she had done against him. Then why did he behave in such a shameless manner, especially after she made an effort to travel all the way to the hospital to see him as a patient? Why could not Anil face her? Why did he have to drag her into his present pathetic plight and blame her even partly? The thought process that followed was adequate to make even a perfectly healthy person to suffer a heart attack.

The whole of the night Anil could not have a wink of sleep trying to figure out his own behaviour in front of Dharma. Actually, at times he wondered whether there was any mysterious force (such as a hooniyama) reacting between the two!

Suddenly his thought went back to the first meeting with her in the company of her friendly family members and how gradually he became a family friend to make frequent visits at every moment he was free, especially during Sunday afternoons.

As much as Anil tried to put the past into the back yard of his memory bank it began to work in the reverse order and could not get a wink of sleep. Dr Silva always advised him not to worry unnecessarily being a hospitalised heart patient. But what could he have done if his providence or karma or whatever pushed him to suffer physically and mentally as a means of retribution to what he had knowingly or unknowingly committed in the past!

After Dharma's visit his condition took a turn towards rapid deterioration. At times Anil could blame her irrationally for visiting him in hospital, but what could she have done? He began to reason out.

‘She is a true and genuine friend; otherwise there was no need for her to waste time on a long journey by bus on my account? It's me who has to take the blame for being nasty to her.

Worrying is not going to help me to recover soon’ he thought. Soon it became crystal clear to him that whatever said and done, he was getting dragged into the last days of his life and to face a battle between life and death after Dharma's visit.

On a daily basis his health began to degenerate. The process of breathing became acute; every inhalation became a struggle and Anil could feel as if his chest was behaving like a vise when his heart muscles started to work like rusty cogwheels trying to turn with greatest difficulty. From that moment onwards he decided to abandon every worldly attachment and prepare for a ‘swim in the ocean of Samsara.’ In that frame of mind, even with much difficulty, he took a pen and paper to write his thoughts to Dharma before Anil could exhale his last breath.

“My dear Dharma,

“At a time death is waving his hand to me from a close range I am making this desperate attempt to pen a few lines to let you know some facts, perhaps you did not know.

My life could end at any moment from now onwards, may be even before you start reading this note.

Dharma, you are not aware of the amount of agony and anguish I am going through within me. It's only after you left the hospital the messenger of death approached me. But don't worry about it and I am not putting the blame on you.

I can vividly recollect now how all of us (with your family members) enjoyed those memorable days in the past. A jolly and fun loving family for company. I thoroughly enjoyed such an association. I cannot forget how your family accepted and treated me like one of you.

Every time I visited your home to spend the day it was full of fun and entertainment including playing badminton and carrom as well. That may be the reason why at times my visits became too frequent to your place whenever I was free. It was all done without any malice or with a hidden agenda up my sleeve Dharma, believe me.

But..... You may not have been aware of the attitude of the people in your neighbourhood who have nothing else to do than praying into other peoples’ lives being inquisitive. Silly empty heads! It's damn pity Dharma that part of our society has stooped to such low levels surpassing even animal behaviour. Do yo realise Dharma that today some of our people have become so mean and their thinking warped to such an extent that even a brother and a sister cannot walk together on a street before these noncompoops jump into their own vulgar conclusions and start gossiping.

In such a situation can you just imagine Dharma when I often visited your home and spent my leisure time with your family together what kind of tittle tattle could have generated, especially when a beautiful young girl like you lives there?

I bet Dharma, not a single gossiper would have cared to think by such slanderous and baseless gossip the amount of damage that has caused to a valuable life of an innocent young man.

They simply do not understand Dharma the amount of agony and the suffering I am going through as a direct result of such malicious propaganda. After all Dharma, I have to protect the dignity of my family as much as yours, at least leaving you and me alone in this drama.

I hope you will forgive me and try to understand my irrational behaviour at the hospital as these things were haunting me. Can you just imagine if one of your neighbours were to visit me while you were crying at my bedside?

I tried my best to put those to a side and be unaffected by such social scandal because only you and I knew the platonic friendship we developed and shared with the full blessing of your family. I can recollect your remarks at the hospital Dharma when you said:

“We don't have to fear any one when we don't owe anything to anyone.”

Absolutely true Dharma. If we had an iota of guilt as people gossiped wearing tinted glass spectacles, would we have continued the way we did? But what I could not fathom was what happened to an intelligent and educated man like your father to fall into prey of the empty heads of the neighbourhood and behave in a most ill-advised and despicable manner.

The ‘devil dance’ your father performed on the last day in my presence and started beating you up like a crazy maniac at your place really put me off completely Dharma. Even at this moment when I think of it I get so annoyed and something happens to my chest inside.

Had he behaved like a strong masculine man displaying his maturity and broad-mindedness, today we do not have to face this kind of music Dharma? Pardon me Dharma, he is your father but what he did was something stupid which not evens a ‘wattiamma’ on the road wouldn't do.

That moment made a hallmark in my life Dharma. I can't understand how within a split moment of that incident I lost complete faith and trust I had developed towards your family. I just could not understand the transformation that took place in a split second. I am sorry to say that even now when I think of it I can't help despising him.

But I feel sad about one thing Dharma. My death is a simple matter for me now, and I can handle it. But I can't just imagine what you will have to go through the way the gossipers might react after my death. To put a stop to such blabbermouth only Dharma that I had to keep away from you, and not out of hate against you personally, but as a genuine and caring friend in your life.

Only now I get the strength mentally to put an end to such prattle to teach one or two such idiots a good lesson, but what can I do it's too late and it's my own folly that I had to wait all this time till I fell into this state of health.

Even if I recover I don't think Dharma I will be able to step in to your house again because unfortunately intelligent and a broad-minded man like your father will be joining hands with those nincompoops in your neighbourhood to dig my burial pit in the cemetery.

Oh! Dharma my dear friend this is the last ..... Oh!.... My chest..... My chest, chest.... Chest.... c...h...e...s.......

 

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