From the deathbed
Dr Tilak S Fernando
It's been just over two weeks since Anil became ill. None of the
drugs prescribed by his general practitioner seemed to have any effect
on his disease. He became rather confused, frustrated and worried as he
just could not understand the present predicament.
Dr Silva's remarks during his last home visit made his thoughts drift
in all directions. However much he tried to brush those thoughts aside,
one particular sentence kept on boomeranging to add more torture to his
body and soul.
“Now be careful my son. What you experienced was a silent mild heart
attack. Any relapse could lead to thrombosis. My advice to you is to
take enough bed rest for about a month or so and to take things easy.”
This particular sentence kept on bugging him from time to time like
glowing ambers in a pile of ash. During such moments Anil could feel as
if some kind of a lump coming up from nowhere and blocking his heart.
Overcome by fear and pain he tried to turn to a side and sleep.
‘Me naki minussunge leda ne, nona’ (these are old folks’ diseases
madam). ‘Hari pudumaine me davaswala podi lamaintath mewa hedena eka’
(how strange it is that at present times even young becoming victims of
such diseases). Anil could hear an old lady whispering to his mother.
There is certain element of truth in what she had to say to my
mother, Anil thought.
Being a young fellow like him and, not even reaching the age of
twenty two and to suffer from a silent heart attack, however trivial it
may be, was a real mystery to him.
There could be many reasons behind all this which triggered a heart
ailment. Then, who is responsible? He tried to conceal such thoughts in
his own mind because even a small mental attempt in that direction would
certainly not going to help him in his present medical condition.
After being confined to bed for three weeks at home, Anil was finally
admitted to a hospital due to other complications such as swollen lungs
and breathlessness.
If there was anything that Anil despised more than the illness
itself, it had to be the never ending line of visitors who dropped in to
see him at all odd hours despite the hospital putting up notices clearly
displaying visiting hours and ringing ‘time-up’ bells.
True, people visit patients in hospitals most of the time out of
sincere feeling and caring, including a few percentage out of social or
official obligations, but the constant puring in at all odd hours made
him uncomfortable as Anil had to explain awnd answer numerous questions
repeatedly in parrot fashion. Yet, how could he open his mouth and tell
them that? Most of the time Anil closed his eyes and pretended to be ill
to avoid visitors.
One day, until Dharma appeared near Anil's bed he never expected to
see her again. The very moment Anil set eyes on her, he quickly turned
to a side on the bed, perhaps due to an automatic reflex action.
Certainly he had not pre-meditated to ignore her.
“Why are you turning away the moment you saw me coming”? She was
quick to question him.
Anil became dumbfounded, closed his eyes tight. Meanwhile, he could
feel a rather melancholy texture in Dharma's voice.
“I came all the way having heard that you were in hospital not to
play games with you Anil, but to see you as a hospitalized patient.”
He could not keep quiet any longer but had to respond.
“Dharma, are you crazy to stand here and cry?”
“So what harm in crying? If you are innocent, we don't owe a thing to
others, why should we be worried or frightened of any one?” She
remarked.
“That's the kind of attitude which pushed me into this situation.”
“What....? Are you trying to tell me Anil that I am the cause behind
your illness then?”
“You are also partly involved Dharma.”
“I am sorry Anil you have grossly misunderstood me. Please withdraw
that remark at once. You know full well that at every count I was with
you and supported you sincerely. To my knowledge Anil, apart from being
with you on your side all the time, I have not caused a pin head of a
thing against you or to make you a sick person. May be one day the truth
will prevail and you will realise that I am innocent. I can't bear to
hear such nonsense any more, I am leaving,” she left the hospital
crying.
What reason Anil had to accuse her and blame her the way he did from
a hospital bed and the way he reacted to her in her presence became a
puzzle to both of them. From day one Anil associated with her she had
been a good friend. He simply could not find even an atom of wrong she
had done against him. Then why did he behave in such a shameless manner,
especially after she made an effort to travel all the way to the
hospital to see him as a patient? Why could not Anil face her? Why did
he have to drag her into his present pathetic plight and blame her even
partly? The thought process that followed was adequate to make even a
perfectly healthy person to suffer a heart attack.
The whole of the night Anil could not have a wink of sleep trying to
figure out his own behaviour in front of Dharma. Actually, at times he
wondered whether there was any mysterious force (such as a hooniyama)
reacting between the two!
Suddenly his thought went back to the first meeting with her in the
company of her friendly family members and how gradually he became a
family friend to make frequent visits at every moment he was free,
especially during Sunday afternoons.
As much as Anil tried to put the past into the back yard of his
memory bank it began to work in the reverse order and could not get a
wink of sleep. Dr Silva always advised him not to worry unnecessarily
being a hospitalised heart patient. But what could he have done if his
providence or karma or whatever pushed him to suffer physically and
mentally as a means of retribution to what he had knowingly or
unknowingly committed in the past!
After Dharma's visit his condition took a turn towards rapid
deterioration. At times Anil could blame her irrationally for visiting
him in hospital, but what could she have done? He began to reason out.
‘She is a true and genuine friend; otherwise there was no need for
her to waste time on a long journey by bus on my account? It's me who
has to take the blame for being nasty to her.
Worrying is not going to help me to recover soon’ he thought. Soon it
became crystal clear to him that whatever said and done, he was getting
dragged into the last days of his life and to face a battle between life
and death after Dharma's visit.
On a daily basis his health began to degenerate. The process of
breathing became acute; every inhalation became a struggle and Anil
could feel as if his chest was behaving like a vise when his heart
muscles started to work like rusty cogwheels trying to turn with
greatest difficulty. From that moment onwards he decided to abandon
every worldly attachment and prepare for a ‘swim in the ocean of
Samsara.’ In that frame of mind, even with much difficulty, he took a
pen and paper to write his thoughts to Dharma before Anil could exhale
his last breath.
“My dear Dharma,
“At a time death is waving his hand to me from a close range I am
making this desperate attempt to pen a few lines to let you know some
facts, perhaps you did not know.
My life could end at any moment from now onwards, may be even before
you start reading this note.
Dharma, you are not aware of the amount of agony and anguish I am
going through within me. It's only after you left the hospital the
messenger of death approached me. But don't worry about it and I am not
putting the blame on you.
I can vividly recollect now how all of us (with your family members)
enjoyed those memorable days in the past. A jolly and fun loving family
for company. I thoroughly enjoyed such an association. I cannot forget
how your family accepted and treated me like one of you.
Every time I visited your home to spend the day it was full of fun
and entertainment including playing badminton and carrom as well. That
may be the reason why at times my visits became too frequent to your
place whenever I was free. It was all done without any malice or with a
hidden agenda up my sleeve Dharma, believe me.
But..... You may not have been aware of the attitude of the people in
your neighbourhood who have nothing else to do than praying into other
peoples’ lives being inquisitive. Silly empty heads! It's damn pity
Dharma that part of our society has stooped to such low levels
surpassing even animal behaviour. Do yo realise Dharma that today some
of our people have become so mean and their thinking warped to such an
extent that even a brother and a sister cannot walk together on a street
before these noncompoops jump into their own vulgar conclusions and
start gossiping.
In such a situation can you just imagine Dharma when I often visited
your home and spent my leisure time with your family together what kind
of tittle tattle could have generated, especially when a beautiful young
girl like you lives there?
I bet Dharma, not a single gossiper would have cared to think by such
slanderous and baseless gossip the amount of damage that has caused to a
valuable life of an innocent young man.
They simply do not understand Dharma the amount of agony and the
suffering I am going through as a direct result of such malicious
propaganda. After all Dharma, I have to protect the dignity of my family
as much as yours, at least leaving you and me alone in this drama.
I hope you will forgive me and try to understand my irrational
behaviour at the hospital as these things were haunting me. Can you just
imagine if one of your neighbours were to visit me while you were crying
at my bedside?
I tried my best to put those to a side and be unaffected by such
social scandal because only you and I knew the platonic friendship we
developed and shared with the full blessing of your family. I can
recollect your remarks at the hospital Dharma when you said:
“We don't have to fear any one when we don't owe anything to anyone.”
Absolutely true Dharma. If we had an iota of guilt as people gossiped
wearing tinted glass spectacles, would we have continued the way we did?
But what I could not fathom was what happened to an intelligent and
educated man like your father to fall into prey of the empty heads of
the neighbourhood and behave in a most ill-advised and despicable
manner.
The ‘devil dance’ your father performed on the last day in my
presence and started beating you up like a crazy maniac at your place
really put me off completely Dharma. Even at this moment when I think of
it I get so annoyed and something happens to my chest inside.
Had he behaved like a strong masculine man displaying his maturity
and broad-mindedness, today we do not have to face this kind of music
Dharma? Pardon me Dharma, he is your father but what he did was
something stupid which not evens a ‘wattiamma’ on the road wouldn't do.
That moment made a hallmark in my life Dharma. I can't understand how
within a split moment of that incident I lost complete faith and trust I
had developed towards your family. I just could not understand the
transformation that took place in a split second. I am sorry to say that
even now when I think of it I can't help despising him.
But I feel sad about one thing Dharma. My death is a simple matter
for me now, and I can handle it. But I can't just imagine what you will
have to go through the way the gossipers might react after my death. To
put a stop to such blabbermouth only Dharma that I had to keep away from
you, and not out of hate against you personally, but as a genuine and
caring friend in your life.
Only now I get the strength mentally to put an end to such prattle to
teach one or two such idiots a good lesson, but what can I do it's too
late and it's my own folly that I had to wait all this time till I fell
into this state of health.
Even if I recover I don't think Dharma I will be able to step in to
your house again because unfortunately intelligent and a broad-minded
man like your father will be joining hands with those nincompoops in
your neighbourhood to dig my burial pit in the cemetery.
Oh! Dharma my dear friend this is the last ..... Oh!.... My
chest..... My chest, chest.... Chest.... c...h...e...s.......
|