Hiss-torical tales of a hiss-terical snake-charmer!

Gaston de ROSAYRO

Many readers sometimes imagine I am an ace at pulling the long bow. Which means that they think I exaggerate my cameos with outrageous implausibility. Many of my bagatelles are based on true experiences, although I concede that some may have been given a miniscule stretch of the imagination to make them more entertaining. That is because it is the nature of language use to sometimes create humorous juxtapositions, ironies, or satires of some type to get the message across with an effective punch.

Obviously those disbelievers have never been the adventuresome types. They would never for the life of them believe that I once had a collection of water-snakes when I was around ten or eleven. I sold them at 10 to 12 bucks each although I kept one or two favourites among them as pets and fed them tiny freshwater fish. One of them a docile, non-venemous Checkered Keelback I named Oslo. The other with a more vicious disposition, a Dog-faced water-snake I christened Jake. Jake possessed a mild venom which rarely affected humans.

But he came in useful at times, when the circumstances warranted it and I was in the mood to pull some practical jokes on my bullying peers and grown sarong-clad goons. I used to carry one around in my pocket for both my own amusement and protection. I ranged the water courses for my prey, the badlands which were home to many hard-card hooligans who used to terrify civic citizens who dared intrude into those wild preserves.

But they never messed with me. They nicknamed me 'Polonga Baba' because they assumed I carried a viper. And as a little boy I became a sort of legend after a couple of incidents where brandishing a slithering serpent I was constrained to chase some of the most notorious thugs who confronted me on my expeditions. I had many of these full-grown 'chandiyas' running for their lives as soon as my slight figure appeared on the horizon.

A year or so later I graduated to trapping Russel's Vipers, and sold them for Rs. 75 apiece, a princely sum at the time, which was the take-home salary of a clerk in the mid-fifties. But the vipers had to be captured unharmed and without a blemish on them. But one had to be extremely careful when capturing them, because the polonga is one of the most dreaded venomous snakes on the island. The majority of villagers, or as a matter of fact even the most avid naturalist are content to give the snake a wide berth.

In truth it is no ordinary snake. It is a beautiful serpent with a black chain-like pattern along its back and large dappled blots along its sides which shimmers as it slithers in the sunlight. Indeed, the Russel's viper (brown thith-polonga),is one of the island's deadliest poisonous serpents.

My little water-snake pets' escapades, however, usually caused me a great deal of trouble with the home authorities, particularly my mother. I recall placing Jake on the handlebar of a motorcycle whose reckless rider had slammed into one of friend's bicycles. He berated my little friend and was about to take off on his machine when Jake on cue coiled itself around the rider's wrist. The motorbike hurtled forward like a rogue rocket into a roadside fence embedding both man and machine into a herbaceous hedge.

Jake was none the worse for his adventure and was soon rescued from his coiled position on the machine's handlebar. Now brandishing the snake in the man's face as a sort of inducement we forced him to apologise and pay for the buckled wheel of my friend's bicycle. He did so with relief.

But not before Jake put on a great show of coiling to strike while the motorcyclist tried to recoil from the reptile. He hissed and spat while the bully became more hysterical at Jake's 'hissterics.'

Yes both my pets were an enormous source of fun and provided us with some hilarious entertainment. They are fascinating and creative a distinctive décor when coiled around your neck or wrist making the girls around you squeal. Besides, any cantankerous retainer who lorded it over the kitchen, soon learned not to get in our way when we raided his kitchen larder. A disagreeable cook appu named Lazarus learned the hard way that interfering with hungry lads of the household might well lead to a snake popping out of the most unlikely places. No he certainly wasn't ready to be martyred or resurrected without a real cause. Yes, I was certainly a master at the game of 'snakes and larders.'

But my little serpentarium almost came to an end when Oslo made a break from his enclosure one morning and came gliding gracefully into the house. That was the day my mother lost her patience and insisted that enough was enough and that everyone was really 'hissed' off with my weird pets.

So I had to take my entire collection of snakes and 'hiss off' to an unused back lot. And all because Oslo slithering across the sitting room was unfortunately spotted by my visiting Aunt Rhonda. Startled by her scream he took cover under the sofa. Alarmed by her banshee shrieks, her husband, Uncle Roger, dashed out of the shower with a towel around his ample waist. Now Uncle Rog was physically well-endowed. He was a really big guy and the towel didn't actually cover as much of his anatomy as it would have decently swathed an average male.

Herculean Uncle Rog got down on his hands and knees to look for the elusive serpent. What a sight he made for a rear view audience! By this time, the family dog, or rather bitch Vixen thought it was time for a jolly romp and playfully gave old Roger's protruding bare rump his cold nose. Brave Uncle Rog thought he'd been bitten by a deadly snake and went into a dead faint.

Aunt Rhonda thinking her hubby had had a heart attack screamed even louder bringing the maid Menika hurrying to the scene. The middle-aged family retainer assailed by the sight of the giant 'mahathaya' sprawled on the floor in a display of outrageous revelation joined the ear-piercing cacophony while bolting back to the kitchen as if a legion of dervishing demons was at her heels.

Yes snakes are certainly fascinating creatures. I have been blessed with a few friends who like snakes as much as I do. They like to handle them, and keep them around the house as pets. Next week I will explain how snakes contribute to the balance of nature. How they won't bite you unless they're threatened. How beautiful their skin markings are. I'll do my best to make snake-lovers of the rest of you.

And certainly, remember while you are falling in love with them they are hard to fool. That is because they have no legs to pull!

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