Romance auctioned

Shashendra Amalshan GUNARATHNE

Alan has been keeping his feelings for himself for so long that it came to a point that he could no longer hold himself anymore. He wanted to express himself to her. He didn’t quite know how to handle it on his own, thus he consulted a professional counselor who excels at giving relationship advices to teens. As he nervously entered the room, the counselor inquired,

“Yes son, what can I do for you?”

“I want help,” Allan pegged back.

“Help with what?”

“With writing a poem”

”A poem?”

“Yes I am writing a poem to the girl that I love, I haven’t quite finished it yet, I am not sure how exactly she would react to something like that either, but I just want to get it out.”

The counselor frowned for a moment and responded,

“Son, a poem wouldn’t work.”

“What do you mean, a poem wouldn’t work?” Alan asked.

“It just wouldn’t, you should consider a more modern approach, that won’t work. There are new ways of approaching this you know....”

“But I really want to do it this way.”

“Trust me, it just won’t work”

“What should I do then?”

“Scratch the poem”

“What?” Allan was taken aback for a moment.

“Yes, scratch your poem, mutilate it, shred it to bits, rape it, take it home and burn it to dust, eat it, I don’t give a damn about what you do with it, just don’t give it to her. You are not going to get anywhere with that stupid poem of yours,” the counseled screamed in frenzy.

“I can’t do that, I can’t,” Alan sounded hesitant.

“Yes you will, just let me take a look at this poem of yours then….” He said while asking for his hand written piece. It didn’t take him more than a minute to skim through the page.

“Lame men, lame, this poem of yours is so stupid and totally lame, tear this stupid poem of yours to pieces. This totally won’t work.”

“But…..” Alan couldn’t continue, as he intervened, “Son, listen relationships are all about how your market yourself to the other. They are all about convincing the other person that you are a worthy investment of her feminine talents. Are you following me?”

“Not really, but do go on.”

“You have to convince her that you will provide benefits with interests in future if she dares to invest her emotional, romantic and physical capital on you.”

“Hold on, you are talking economics not romance”

“Yes son, that is exactly what romance is, I call it the economization of romance.”

“But then again marketing is a hypocritical process, isn’t it sir?”

“Of course it is, hypocrisy is a must for all forms of love. Do you think that she will love you for who you really are? Not really, nobody does, not even you love yourself for who you really are, be genuine at your own peril I say.”

“I am still confused, I still don’t really fully get it, however your theories do sound interesting enough and I am sure I can bear with you for the moment.”

“You have to create a demand for yourself son. Higher your demand is, better the quality of the female species that will come for you.”

“But for Christ’s sake sir, it is not as easy as you make it sound like.”

“Look, they say there are enough fish in the sea for you to catch. True what they say, there are millions of fish in the sea, but the point is son, not all fish are worth catching, is it?”

“Ohh hell yeah, you mean the scarcity of fish right, yes I know, that I get it,” Alan suddenly sounds interested.

“Look son, good fish are out there, but you can’t expect to catch a one with a barren, worn out, fragile fishing-rod could you son? Better the quality of your rod, better the fish that you will catch.”

“So you are suggesting that I should polish my rod then, is that it?”

“Well you see son that is where you have gone wrong, you are freaking impatient. You have to wait till the sea is calm, only then you should set sail, you just wait patiently for the right moment and let the rod in. It is quite a delicate process, I know,” the counselor eloquently expressed in a very calm tone.

“Ohh damn you sir, this sounds freaking tedious sir, you are suppose to give advice and make it easier.”

“In that case son, there are easier alternatives also, provided that you have the talent for it.”

“What might that be?” Alan was curious.

“Womanizing Guile they call it son, easy, some are born with it, still you can work on it I guess,”

“What do you mean?”

“Womanizer is like a charismatic politician whose words and grand eloquent speeches are so inducing and seductive that ladies wouldn’t dare refrain themselves from voting for him. In relationships more often than not, both parties become headless politicians.”

“Now you are talking politics, I want to be her freaking boyfriend; I am confused sir and I honestly don’t get your point.”

“The politics and romance have same rules son. Think of it as you want to be elected as her boyfriend. Yes elected as her boyfriend so that you have the constitutional right to rule her world.”

“You abuse the whole concept of romance, how dare you draw parallels from politics?”

“Face the facts son, romance is as a dreadful thing as politics, just because flowers are associate with romance doesn’t make it a saintly, virginal experience. Look, couples make unfeasible promises, unrealistic pledges, assertions, grand declarations about how much they care for each other, romantic vows to each other and dream of building fancy castles, cars, kids and ahhh the strange thing is they vote for each other also... but how many succeed in actually living up to the promises that they made? There is no difference between Politicians and hopeless romantics I say, they all are the same, they would say any damn crap to conquer the other, as easy as that,” the counselor explained at a canter.

“Welll errr….” Somehow Allan couldn’t come to a proper answer.

“Yes, that is exactly what it is, the politicization of romance, I call it, look son, you can’t help it, the hypocrisy rules everywhere son that is why females should be ultra careful of deceptive financial units which come their way.”

“You are again making things sound complicated, what do you mean?”

“I mean guys come with all assortments with attractive packages. Girls can never be sure of whether they are genuine or not. Such attractive packages rarely live up to those pre-conceived expectations, leaving women in utmost emotional bankruptcy.”

“Emotional bankruptcy huh, that is a new one” Allan said with a chuckle.

“Yes, if a woman doesn’t invest their emotional capital on a reliable source, they are bound to end up in emotional bankruptcy; it is as easy as that.”

“Now you are talking about women’s side of things, but then again that doesn’t really concern me, what do you suppose that I do sir?”

“As I said, you should first Burn the poem”

“No I can’t do that.” Alan was again take aback.

“You are going to fail son, really…”

“No I am not,”

“Then what are you going to do?”

“I am going to auction the poem”

“What on god's name does that suppose to mean?”

“It was your idea sir, you advised to market the poem. So yes, I am going to auction it to the highest bidder.”

“Talk sense son, who on earth would want to buy your freaking poem?”

“Her of course, I am going to sell it manner that she won’t refuse buying it.”

“Wont work son, it just won’t.”

“It will, I just have to find the parchment to note it down,” Alan replied.

Now it was counselor’s turn to feel bewildered.

“Oh for Christ sake stop talking riddles and get to the point son,” he replied.

“She will accept, if I wrote it in the right parchment and give it to her.”

“Damn you son, you mean to say an expensive parchment, look, if you do that, she will be falling for the parchment, not for your stupid poem,”

“Doesn’t matter, does it, she is still falling for it.”

“If so son, why don’t you just give a blank parchment and try? I am telling you, she doesn’t give a damn about your lame poetry, serious. Yes that is the point, so what are you going to do then?”

“I am going to sell it still.”

“Sell it to her?”

“Yes, if not for her I am going to sell the poem on black market, so that they can do whatever they want with it, they will extort it, abuse it, smuggle it, rape it or do whatever they want with it, I don’t care. But I am going to sell it somehow or other.”

“Where did your hopeless romantic attitude go son? “ the counselor said with a bit of sarcasm.

“Romance is there still, but certain things have to be sold, for it to survive.”

“You really aren’t making any sense.”

“Come on sir; you started it, you started by economizing everything. Yes poetry too has a monetary value and I am going to make sure that it gets sold.”

“There isn't a demand for poetry; it is not going to work.”

“Yes, but I will find a way”

“So you are going to sell your poem on black market and hope that some black market thug will buy it. You are a fool son. You sounds like a nice young fellow, tell me son, being sold to a black-market dealer, how would that make you feel?”

“Ahmm like a prostitute, I guess, but I don’t give care as long as I get her.”

“So basically what you are suggesting is that you are willing to sell yourself, so that you can have a chance with some hot-shot woman, is that it?”

“As for selling ourselves, all of us are doing it even now, are we not? We work our heart out for pennies. Look at me, for five freaking days all I ever do is labour myself to death. We are all prostitutes, aren’t we? “

“What exactly is your point child?

“The point is that we are selling everything and we all are prostitutes already.

“We are what?”

“Prostitutes, yes slaves. All we do is just that. Sell it all, I say. Economize everything as you said.”

“I am lost now, excuse me, I thought you came for advice.”

“I did and yes thanks for your advice, if not for you I wouldn’t have come to this resolution,” Allan said while getting up from his chair.

“Is that all, are you going? Are you going ahead with this?”

“Yes I am.”

“Son when does the bidding starts?” counselor asked.

“It starts right now,” Allan simply murmured and started to walk his way towards the door.

Allan was just about to open the door and get out the office, when he was halted by his sturdy hands. The counselor was standing next to him with a stern look on his face.

“What is it this time sir? I have learned your lesson, sell it everything you say, just let me go,” Allan said in rage, as he started to make his way towards the door.

“Son wait, don’t be so hasty, you said everything is up for bid right?” he asked serenely.

“Yes, everything thing is up for sale,” Allan responded in a furious note.

“Son, I would like to make a bid.”

“You would like to do what?”

“Make a bid”

“Bid for what?”

“Your heart son, I would like to bid for your heart, it is the only part that is still in good shape,”

“What?”

“You heard me son; no one would want to buy your heart, would they, I would like to have that, I mean buy that.”

Allan stopped, gathered himself for a moment and responded,

My dear sir, weren’t you listening at all sir? My heart is reserved.”

“Reserved?”

“Yes it is reserved and it will remain the same, it will only be sold to one person, she alone has the right to bid for it and she alone should have it.”

“Won’t work son, it just won’t, you know what, you are still the same romantic who came through the door moments ago, and you haven’t changed a bit. You can’t auction everything and hope to remain a romantic at the same time. You might as well auction your heart as well. Does this even make any sense to you son?”

“Damn you sir, even after all this drama, if she still doesn’t want to buy it, let it rot, I don’t care, world can have whatever they want from me, but the heart is hers, no one may or no one should bid for it.” Allan screamed in rage, as he outrageously banged the door and went out of the room.

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