It was really ‘knife’ knowing you!

On the cutting edge with backstabbers:

Gaston de Rosayro

I didn’t have a mean or sarcastic bone in my body, until I was frogmarched to school at age four or thereabouts. In similarity to most decent nippers I was possessed of a great deal of openness and innocent idealism. My entire attitude however, changed completely when I first encountered the soulless, backbiting snitchers at kindergarten.

I soon perceived that these same type of betrayers are the scourge of civilized society. I learnt the hard way as a brat, an adolescent and an adult that this mean, old world is populated by a diversity of personalities. There are loyalists, acquaintances, enemies and traitors.

The loyalists would stick their necks out for you, the acquaintances were usually detached and the enemies openly antagonistic. There was nothing to fear from the first three categories. But the worst of the lot were the traitors who inveigled themselves into your confidence. And even when you had stood up for them and scratched their backs they stabbed yours. Both in their early formative years and later on in life they indulge habitually in backstabbing.

Some do it primarily because they believe it will serve their purposes, some do it because pulling someone down makes them feel better or, more accurately, less bad about themselves. Backstabbers love to keep up appearances. They are often familiar faces who are friendly in public. If they are successful, you may not even recognize them as such until the damage is done.

If you want to confront the backstabber, do it in public with witnesses and, most importantly, stay in control emotionally. This way later the backstabber will be powerless to spread lies to the effect that you flew off the handle with wild accusations at him or her. And there is nothing like showing them that you have the ability to pierce back harder. Proclaim loudly to your audience that the person is an insidious gossip. Thrust in your knife by saying he is someone with a great sense of rumour.

Remember we are talking about knives here. So the strategy is to make sure you get in the first thrust. And you goody-goodies out there do not preach to me about forgiveness and charity. Turn the other cheek? Not on your life! The trouble is, the meek will not inherit the earth. They just keep getting ground into it!

That is because I am talking about countering guerrilla tactics here. It is conflict all right. Full-scale war to be exact! And I am right out in the open and not taking cover. They can indulge in their ambush tactics but they should make pretty sure they are bunkered safely somewhere.

I always give them a sound warning that I will eventually flush them out and hound them half way to Hell to get even. So all you back-biting bozos out there had better watch out. You are not dealing with any of the sainted anchorites and any helpless individuals whose lives you made a misery. That was before. Now you are dealing with me! That is right, you had better not mess with the ‘Master of Mayhem’ because that which does not kill me had better be able to run away darn fast.

Yes, I have perfected the art of making the punishment fit the crime. From mild to malicious and utterly rude techniques I have bewildered my enemies, amused my allies and disgusted and dismayed my detractors. Above all, it has gratified my unforgiving heart. My detractors may call me a merciless egotist but then so is my enemy. Logically I can now argue that when two egotists meet, it is an ‘I’ for an ‘I.’

As you will logically agree that in a war it does not matter who is right, only who is left. Make sure you project a menacing image to the knife wielders. Flash them a sarcastic grin every time you make eye contact. If they return your stare mouth a few silent obscenities at them. Smash your fist into your palm while doing so. Make sure that they think you are slightly mentally unhinged. Every time you walk past them spew out in a stage whisper: “In your guts you will know I am nuts!” They will soon get the point that you are more than cut out for the challenge.

As a rival I had honed myself to be on the cutting edge. That is to say that I could position myself to be a cut above the rest when it came to respond to their shenanigans. Okay buddy-boys if you think you can wield your dagger and start hacking, I could as easily slice back with the skilled slash, thrust and parry of the Swordsman of Siena. So you would have guessed by now that your cheating wasn’t a sharp idea at all. In the event you try your knife plugging tactics you will find yourself on the chopping block first. It will be cheaper than paying a surgeon to go under the knife. Bring out your sharpest weapon and let us see who comes out alive in this slice-of-life drama.

Now you see, all this excitement has put me on edge. I smell blood. And it is not mine. I can certainly keep my nerve and I am not going to cut the tension too soon.

Okay, and when you emerge after being conquered by my rapier wit I will with gracious politeness say: “It was knife knowing you!” And to all you readers out there if you face the same problem you might find you sleep better if you take a stab in the dark. Good Knife everyone!

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