Dressing-up and dressing-down:

All tied up in old colonial ties!

Gaston de Rosayro

The season for giving is over for most of us. But the wives are still out shopping for posthumous festive gifts. With purchases little and large, they do not believe in Santa Claus. But they do believe in Master Charge! Or rather with a slight amendment to Caesar's brief victory speech they say, 'VENI, VEDI, VISA'! I came, I saw, I credited. Did a little shopping actually!

During the season fathers, husbands and consorts everywhere received all kinds of gifts. Ties being one of the top choices. Ties for the legal, medical, bureaucratic and business fraternities are practical, and for most men a necessity. But I am no corporate slave. I do have hang-ups about being hanged with a tie. I prefer to have my collar loose instead of being choked with a neck noose.

But I have been gifted with such an abundance of them that I hate ties or anyone who has any ties with ties.I have amassed so many of them over the years that you can call me a tie-coon of sorts. I have such an array to choose from. These include solid ties, striped ties, neckties, bow ties, ties, ties and more ties. I would like to formally thank all my friends and relatives for adding to my mammoth tie collection. It is final. You have done it. Now if you were to measure the assortment all tied together, my wardrobes would contain 158 feet of silk and polyester self-throttling devices.

Yes, I am at the end of my tether with all these boring formal accoutrements. So much so, in fact, that they make me feel suicidal. It is only natural with so many frayed knots and a surfeit of tidy ropes waiting to be strung around my neck. Which brings me to the pertinent question, that you do not have to be tongue-tied while answering.

Why do we have a fixation over an old colonial sartorial legacy that makes no sense for dressing in comfort in our tropical climate? It would certainly be a sagacious accessory for cooler climes or for a more formal occasion such as a wedding or black tie dinners held in air-conditioned surroundings. If some men imagine they can run the world, why cannot they stop wearing neckties in humid climatic conditions such as ours?

How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck and then allowing a woman to tighten it? Talk of the Lady High Executioners. The official Hangman appears to be hanging around cooling his heels. That is because we have ceased to be a swinging society as far as criminal elements are concerned.

Necktie parties have been banned although capital punishment is legal in Sri Lanka. However, since June 23, 1976, there have been no executions, although death sentences were handed down continuously by the High and Supreme Courts for murder and drug trafficking convictions.

But we do still perceive hang-women hanging out who do not give a hang about the rest of the male chauvinistic world go hang itself. But you must give them credit for being better at looping the loop or noosing the male moose. It is all coming unravelled. The dames want to tie the knot and the chappies do not want to get tied down.

There is an obvious catch to it. A woman giving a man a tie hopes she will eventually be able to tie him up in nuptial knots. But even then he is almost certain to receive the tie she thinks he should be wearing. So it seems as if it is curtains for all sensible dressers with the drapery running down their shirtfronts. I for one think it is time to loosen the colonial ties or discard them altogether. Besides, neckties strangle clear thinking.

I must concede I was required to wear a tie often in my long career as journalist and impresario. But I could not quite get the hang of tying it. You ask me whether I could manage the perfect loop? I am afraid knot. But I am no quitter and if at first I do not succeed I tie and tie again. Then at the most inopportune moment the blasted phone decides to ring. I grab it with one hand while trying to loop the knot with the other. And I yell into the phone: "Sorry, you will have to ring later. I am tied up at the moment."

What I have trouble with is the end of the tie that hangs from the knot - the part in front that gets gradually wider. There seems to be some trick to getting the tie, after pulling it through whatever knot you have fashioned, so that the part directly below the knot has a symmetrical little dimple in the centre where the knot cinches it. I have even seen these beautifully sculpted visions that had two or even three dimples, again symmetrically placed. Breath-taking!

My own efforts, however, always produce a misplaced, off-to-one-side dimple, so that the tie won't stay centred. As the day progresses the back part starts to peek around the corner as the front part shifts to one side. I complain it is lop-sided and the family members say: "No leave it as it is. It matches your grin!"

The Government announced recently there was no basis to cheeky rumours that the authorities were planning to set up nudist beaches for tourists in Sri Lanka. The statement that the country would continue with prude beaches instead of nude beaches set many minds at ease. Mine in particular, considering the fact that many companies allow their employees to dress-down casually on Fridays. Before the rumours were scotched, I was stripping my thoughts to a bare minimum how a nudist resort would react to the sartorial requirement. A wag suggested that in friendlier naturist resorts in the region they might consider offering dress-up days instead. The dress code? Coats and ties required but no pants!

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