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Tuesday, 18 January 2011

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Cock-tail hour

Whereby hangs another cock-tale!:

A crusty former obese colleague paid dearly for his bitchy comment on my satire book at a cocktail party. Swaggering up to me with a drunken gait and looking very much like a bottomous bull hippopotamus in heat he slurred: “I read your book the ‘Serendib Spirit’. My idea of serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering a voluptuous woman reaper.”

He thought it was funny and laughed uproariously at his own asinine joke. No one else did. I do not take kindly to hurtful jibes and was about to dispense the contents of my cocktail glass on the corpulent malefactor with a generous baptism of alcohol. But a woman writer in my little circle was faster on the draw. Her hair-triggered shot from the lip appeared deadly accurate and efficacious to boot.

The lovely lady’s eyes blazed and it could have been my imagination but I could have sworn that at that moment the smell of cordite overpowered the cloudbursts of expensive Chanel in the room as she fired: “At your age one would imagine that you should be taking only an academic interest in sex! Besides, you’re so fat that your ID card must state, picture continued on other side.”

Our appreciative circle exploded in torrents of raucous hilarity as he waddled away in a huff. He moved as fast as his short, stubby legs could carry him while heaving curses like a sperm whale billowing great spouts of water. More importantly he would surely have got the message that women don’t make fools of men because a good many of them are the ‘do-it-yourself’ types.

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