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Saturday, 11 December 2010






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Umpire needs ‘protection’, oh dear!

Julian Assange

July 3, 1971 (age 39)


Editor-in-chief and spokesperson for Wikileaks

Economist Freedom of
Expression Award (2008)
Amnesty International UK Media Award (2009)
Sam Adams Award (2010)

WTF? That’s ‘what’s the fuss’ in case you thought I was being cute about an expletive. I say ‘WTF’ because I can’t believe what I just heard. The Empire, i.e. the coalition of chip-on-shoulder nations with barbaric histories led by you-know-who with sidekick and recent colony, that country on which the sun never rises, has been so pants-down caught that it has simply gone overboard with the idea of ‘protection’. Did I say ‘Empire’? Should I have said ‘ex-Empire’ given that China virtually owns Barack Obama? Should I say ‘Umpire’ or ‘Hora Umpire’ given propensity to jump to conclusion and cheat? Let’s go with ‘umpire’ (lower-case as befits reduced circumstances).

I am talking about Wikileaks by the way. And Julian Assange, its key point man. It was a matter of time for Obama and Co to kick up a fuss and slam him with some crazy charge. He has got too big to be shot down. Mowed down by a container truck perhaps but not point-blank shooting. ‘Rape’ is the charge. That’s pretty old. Expected.

Lack of evidence

On the other hand, one must never rush to judgment. I gave the umpire the benefit of the doubt. I thought ‘maybe there was sufficient reason to believe that Julian was out of line’.

Barack Obama

 Julian Assange

Well, for three months there were rumours that he would be charged with rape. In August, the Swedish Public Prosecutor, having issued an arrest warrant (for rape), had withdrawn it the same day due to lack of evidence. Well, it seems that ‘evidence’ has surfaced now. Julian is charged with ‘rape’ and it is claimed (hold your sides, folks) by the Swedes that sex without a condom can warrant slamming him with a minimum of two years in prison. Wtf?

It is said that Julian started with protection and later threw caution (and the condom) to the winds, how very arrogant of him! Rape, by the way, is a crime of violence, duress of deception. If someone was deluded into thinking that you are someone else or persuaded to have sex by drugging or the weight of years (in the case of a minor) it is indeed a crime of violence.

Swedish prosecutors

Well, the Swedes seem to think that the two ‘accusers’, one close to 30 and one over 30, were utterly naive and inexperienced. The fact of the matter is that they were both bragging how they were hanging out with one of the ‘coolest’, ‘smartest’ dudes ever to walk the earth. That was on Twitter.

This was ‘after the fact’. No mention of sloppy fingers and ‘wardrobe malfunction’ at the time, one notes. No mention of being duped.

Nothing of violence. Ergo, no rape. One of them had actually thrown a party in honour of the man who she would later say raped her and this after the ‘crime’ of condom-clumsiness. The Swedish prosecutors have confirmed that both ‘victims’ had been bragging about the ‘conquest’.

They have moreover admitted there was ‘consent’. Rape? Wtf, really?

The Swedes have a term (I am rolling on the floor, laughing my whatever off) for all this ‘sex by surprise’ or ‘unexpected sex’. Two well educated women, who’ve travelled and seen the world can be surprised by sex? What’s Surprising Sex? What’s ‘Unexpected Sex’? Damn, these women ought to share the prize for the Dumbest in 1,000 years!


There’s more to this. One of the happily twittering ‘victims’, Anna Ardin, it has now been revealed, has close ties to the CIA. Surprise, surprise!

I don’t know if the umpire has taken a course called ‘Condom-Use 101’. I don’t know if such a course exists anywhere on earth. It is high time such a course of study was developed and be made mandatory for all would-be umpires.

The umpire clearly has never had sex or seen a condom, forget about using one.

I am made to understand that the umpire needs protection. There’s a smart way to get protection and there’s a smart-ass way to do it.

This is a third way. It’s called Dumb-Ass Way (I hereby apologize profusely and solemnly to all asses, for I am taking the other meaning of the word).

According to the Swedes, about 99.99 percent of all women whoever had sex from the beginning of time were raped, whether or not they twittered in whatever language and whatever way they could have or didn’t. I think it is high time that the umpire gave a condom-wearing demonstration so we know for such there is reasonable and demonstrable expertise to point finger and pass judgment. However, if this is the best that the umpire can do, I am really, really, really sorry for the dude. Seriously.

I know they are having problems with Julian, but all this makes me scream ‘WTF?’ The first word here is ‘what’ and the last is not ‘fuss’. Sorry.

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