Unanswered questions

One question which I keep on asking myself for the past couple of months is ‘Why did it have to happen this way’. One statement which kept playing over and over my head begins with ‘If only...’. I have asked many this question: myself, you, my closest friends and God. But no one could give me a satisfactory answer.

Why are some questions never answered? Why are some wishes never granted? Why does God turn a deaf ear to some prayers? Why aren’t some people sensitive to other’s pain?

A few days ago I thought things were finally settling down. I have gradually begun to heal. I could let you go. Then lightning struck. It always does. The moment you are beginning to get back on your feet, an invisible force pulls you down.

All it takes is a memory, a catchphrase, a symbol or an object. That is all that is needed to conjure you back to life. You are embedded in my memory. You run in every drop of my blood. You have woven a spell around my world.

I have the habit of picking up catchphrases from my closest friends. In primary school it was ‘Certainly’ and in secondary school it was ‘Smashing!’. During higher education years it was ‘That’s the point.’ Then there were several others which I caught at my workplace.

You have a very addictive catchphrase. I used to tease about it. Sometimes it was a coy sentence ending ‘Mr So and So’ which makes you break into a smile. You always said that I was mischievous but you didn’t know that I was hardly that in public. I was the ‘quiet’, ‘sweet’ and ‘innocent’ girl and at times the ‘young one’ of the group.

But in your presence I changed. The transformation brought out the best in me. You taught me wit, which I never knew existed within me.

We have known each other for barely a few months but your memory is linked in many aspects in my daily life. The time, places which I pass by, colours, objects and food. Do you know that I had to give up some of the things I loved best in my life because they have become too painful for me?

Have you ever seen children playing with building blocks? They pile them, one on top of the other, steadily. Yet it only takes one gust of wind or a sudden gesture for them to topple over. All their efforts are in vain.

My mind is like that. It maybe strong at times but there are instances when it collapses. Then I have to begin all over once again. I have to start with the first block. It is a slow and painful progress. What holds the construction together is not cement or glue, but sighs mixed with teardrops and grief.

We are told not to build castles in the sky but is it possible to keep our emotions trapped, like a rabbit in a snare? We are soft hearted. Our emotions melt when we feel other’s sadness.

They say everything happens for the best and one of God’s greatest gifts is the unanswered prayer. I have not lost faith in God. I have not given up my battle with life.

One day the dust will settle. One day the mist will dissolve and you will realize how much ‘small things’ matter in life.

But one last question before I conclude. Why were you forced to break the heart that loved you more than anything in this world?

Shehara

 [email protected]