Love's labour lost

Nimal Senanayake

Engrossed in my sad and painful thoughts, that were strongly disturbing the mind, I was trying hard to concentrate on my work. But my mind that was so badly bruised by the unexpected and shocking turn of events, did not allow me in any manner to get on with the day to day routine of the normal life.

I was repeatedly asking myself as to why I fell into such a dangerous bottomless pit, from which there was no way out. My heart was giving such an excruciating feeling, which was suffocating me and making me want to shout at everyone, who were seated round me and concentrating on their work, as if they are completely free of all the miserable thoughts and had never experienced such suffering.

The longstanding and very close attachment I had with my friend was a rare relationship, which was very lively and fully satisfying. We shared all our secrets, our experiences and whatever interesting or tasty stuff we came across in our day to day life.

E Mail messages sent by him were overflowing in my inbox. We always looked for opportunities to meet each other. As our relationship appears to be too endearing for some others around us to understand, we had to think of all types of excuses as well as rigmaroles to keep their inquisitive and suspicious eyes away from us.

None of these hindrances could scare us away from each other. Without the knowledge of the others we made plans to go for outings to spend the day in beautiful surroundings.

What mattered most for us was to be together. This togetherness and the openness was the pleasure we really enjoyed in each other's company. What we had to tell each other had no end.

The fun we had at the cost of others, as well as ourselves was really exhilarating. At times we laughed and laughed at things or happenings that were non existent or simply imaginary. If we talked politics, which was very rare, we always ended up fighting as we belonged to two camps. But we had lot of things to learn from each other and strangely most of our day to day decisions and actions were the result of ideas and plans we hatched together.

It is relevant to mention at this moment that being the more elderly partner, I was at times surprised as to how such a relationship could , happen in real life.

I used to wonder whether such beautiful relationships, which I dreamt and desired while reading novels such as Ambayahaluwo and Madol Duwa could ever materialize in a world full of people, who had nothing in life other than running behind money and other mundane things.

However it has really happened and strangely it had happened in an unbelievably strong and powerful manner that was really beautiful and endearing.

Of course we met each other regularly. We fought with each other occasionally, but also made up again with greater pleasure. Often went to remote places away from the gaze of the suspicious eyes. There was no sign of getting bored with each other's company or the strong bondage. We did every thing giving preference to for each other's needs. But everything else in the life also went on without any hindrance. All our other associates were also kept happy whenever possible by joining them as much as we can.

Our duties to others were fulfilled to the maximum. But it is so strange how the core relationship thrived despite all other distractions we had to undergo. My world was complete, all my dreams come true and there was hardly anything more that I could desire in this life.

As we were strong lovers of nature, archeology and freedom, things we could do were endless. Risks that we could take together also were endless. But when I think back today, it appears that every risk that we took was a worthwhile experience that made the life more complete and worth living. If not for the fun and frolic of those days, I would have definitely become a dull and weary person, sick of life and everything else in this world.

On one occasion we managed to scoot off to Trincomalee and were driving along the lonely jungle paths visiting various ancient ruins such as the prehistoric graves at Ibbankatuwa. We ate whatever that we came across by the way side and drank the beverages made by the villages with some medicinal flowers. Stopped at any place we felt like, just to while away the time and enjoy the togetherness under the wide blue sky.

At the night we were lying on the Nilawali Beach, close to each other, gazing at the sky and the deep blue sea that spread up to the South pole, trying to spot the blue whales.

Life was moving at its fastest speed like the hands of a watch that suddenly slipped off the fulcrum. The speed of the life made us dizzier than the days we enjoyed a beer at the Kinross club on week ends, when we had nothing else to do.

It was an extremely carefree time, but it was also a productive period we both gained positions and were entrusted with more and more responsibilities by the employers. It gave an idea of a strange duplicity, as to how people can be rather wayward and heavenly in real life and be so responsible and mundane in official life.

We went across great seas, flew in international skies, visited very interesting and special places in other countries and gathered a wealth of experiences together. In all these rendezvous I relied a lot on the caring and loving support of my dear friend, who made me laugh and happy and also go green with envy at times, when I became too sensitive to his certain actions and behaviors.

I gave him all what I could give him and got lot of pleasure through his companionship. My entire world was gradually built around him and our two worlds became just one world in which we hoped to live for ever.

The understanding of each others thoughts, ideas, moods and feelings and responding to each others needs became a habit and finally life became a real bed of roses in the Nile cruise sailing at night. Life cannot be more interesting than, when you have such an understanding and entertaining soul mate.

All those were such fun and happened to be everything in life, only until that dreadful day, reality came and knocked on the door to hand over the letter of demand, calling us back to the chaos and throes of the real world.

That was our doomsday we lost all the happiness and were forced to turn our back to the glittering splendour that dazzled our eyes. Purity of the heart was tainted and the clarity of the mind was lost for ever.

From now on, we would start eyeing at the heaps of bags of money and the ways of amassing wealth, for the progeny and the future happiness. The dream in which I lived was shattered and the rainbow has become a pouring shower and a ravaging flood. Oh! how can things change that easily and how can a world of beauty become a muddy pool and a tsunami.

This is the reality of life! But why is it so cruel? Why the shining dew is not made everlasting? Where is the beautiful fragrance that blew across the nose trills and the feelings that revitalized the body. With whom to laugh and whom to share the day to day agonies .

No sweet whispering in the ears, but it's only a drawling and gasping monologue. Is the life still worth living? That is the disgusting situation, where I have now been left. My mind is in the worst confusion and my heart is full of pain and sadness. How can I now read through the heaps of papers that need my signature and how can I smile at the inquiring faces that are floating all around me?

Have I reached the end of the story that I had been listening and enjoying for years like never ending Arabian Nights?. Of course it is said that, if the story ends one would have to sacrifice the life. Despite the painful ending and the migration of my dear friend in search greener pastures, I cannot end my story in a tragic setting of sacrifice and agony.

At a distance far away but not beyond my reach, I see a shining new face that is smiling with real care and feeling and reaching me to tell the secrets of its heart, which it thinks that I have so far not heard or experienced in whole of my life. Isn't he sadly mistaken, as myself had been, all along my endearing but shattered dream, that I dreamt with my dearly loving pal!