How Are You Feeling Today?

K. Jayasinghe

With this or with a similar expression is how distressed persons are received when they visit centres that offer helping relationships by a network of organizations distributed worldwide including in Sri Lanka.

The emphasis is given to feelings as they are the most fundamental, yet the most powerful responses to experience, whether physical or emotional. Thus, they mould the actions of the person who undergoes the experience. The feelings of physical nature like cold, warm and pain are not difficult to identify and to deal with accordingly.

However, feelings related to emotions and mental conditions are the most difficult to identify and cope with. There are positive feelings like - hope, tenderness, admiration and love as well as negative feelings such as - worry, guilt, shame, anger, resentment, confusion, doubt, distress and depression.

While positive feelings are nice to experience and they help growth and contentment of a person, the negative feelings are the most complex and hidden from awareness thus making a person helpless, inactive, or act in a manner destructive for others as well as for self and even attempting or committing suicide.

This article is about the importance of dealing with negative feelings that seem to have affected the well-being of an increasing number of persons in our society.

Recent news and information published in the media on escalation of crime apparently not for theft, unrest among youth in educational institutes, abuse against children and women and incidents of suicides or attempted suicides are open evidences on the prevalent situation.

More concerning, but not readily available to the public is the information on depleting trends in human value systems, tendencies in breaking down of family structure and relationships, upward trends in addiction to substance abuse, and increasing number of distressed and depressed persons who turn up for help; as observed by religious institutions, relevant government and non-government organizations.

Those would be what are seen at the tip of the ice-berg, having a deeper and broader mass of a complex variety of personal and social issues within families and in the society at large, hidden deliberately or otherwise.

The main concern of the policy makers, administrators, relevant organizations and the right thinking individuals is how to curb this alarming trend and do social reforms.

In a turbulent society as ours at present, such reforms call for deep commitment by policy makers and administrators and need a vast amount of resources, an undisputed resource being time.

Until such reforms take place, hopefully sooner than later; as an immediate effective measure what every individual could contribute in this regard is to help improve the skills in coping feelings of self as well as that of close contacts. This is so, as feelings are the trigger causes for action.

This might seem strange to some, as what they want to do in some challenging and distressful situations is to solve problems either in existence or thought to be in existence. If problems do exist it is better to solve them, if possible.

However in real life, problems persist to prop up, mostly in unexpected manner and time, as an individual cannot control the environment and other persons that the individual is in contact with. It is more important to cope with feelings arising due to a problem or a perceived problem than trying to solve it immediately, as distorted feelings cover the real information about the problem that are helpful to solve it.

Generally, problems could be categorized into several types keeping in mind that there are many gray areas in between and that there are many complex situations. If the problem is of personal nature, such as something to do with relationships, some of the feelings encountered immediately would be disappointment, worry, hate, guilt, resentment, pity and the like, which emerge in most situations not one at a time but in complex combinations.

Similarly, if the problem is connected with the livelihood or employment, feelings pertaining to those situations arise. Or else, even without a tangible problem, negative feelings may seem to persist for no apparent reason.

It is important to note that, at a given time, even if an individual is not actively involved, he/she would be thinking or simply communicating with own self, where unwanted feelings could creep in. So, the questions on why such unwanted feelings are destructive and how to deal with those destructive feelings remain to be answered.

It has been understood by psychologists that, when the feelings with regard to a disturbing incident or experience encountered by a person are not brought to awareness in their real form and dealt with, then some times the individual becomes distressed. In such situations, the person does not perceive the problem as it is and does not deal with it in an effective manner. In general terms the person is "upset".

It has been further found that once the feelings regarding an experienced problem is fully brought to awareness in an undistorted manner and fully accepted by the person; then the problem and the feelings about it could be coped with, making the person relaxed and free to take corrective action.

It is also known that a helping relationship could bring about this change, if the person seems to be helpless.

Three factors have been identified in an effective helping relationship. These are; the genuineness of the helper, acceptance of the distressed person as he/she is and the understanding of the feelings of the affected person as they are to that person.

Such relationships, though not up to the required level may be found among the close associates of the affected person. That is why generally it is told that, if you have a problem then talk to some reliable person.

However, the difficulty is to find such a person who could be reliable to express the innermost feelings of the individual in trouble. The other drawback is the nature of people in general, that is the tendency to find faults with the person concerned, without giving a sympathetic hearing.

Nevertheless, in many less serious situations, talking to a person even with limited necessary characteristics would be helpful. This emphasizes the importance of developing the above mentioned characteristics of a helping relationship especially by the prospective helpers who have the advantage of playing this role in view of the positions they hold in the family or in social environment.

To mention a few are; the parents for children, grown up children for elderly parents, one spouse for the other, teacher for student, preacher for the follower and always a friend for a friend.

Anyone in the society could generate the pleasure of providing this helping relationship if he/she could be committed to develop the most essential skills of non-judgmental listening with empathic response. If you feel bad about not providing a helping relationship when there was a need, you could look forward for a second chance, which would always be there.

When the situation is too serious to be helped by any one around, it is advisable to seek professional help. Such organizations offering helping relationships are increasing in numbers. To mention a few: Sri Lanka Sumithrayo having eleven branches, Sahanaya, Sanasuma and Sith Saviya.

In addition, there are several professional counsellors and psychiatrists to be consulted in advanced situations. As such help is available; there is apparently no need to feel helpless when some one feels "very bad" due to what ever the reason.

How do you feel now, after reading this article? If you feel better, you are in the right track as; feeling better is a process rather than a static situation.