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These are less historical days than they are days of history. We recently interviewed Parakramabahu the Great, a man who has been woken up from a slumber lasting many centuries and plastered on every wall (it seems) in the country. We thought perhaps it would be unfair if we didn't interview the person who believes he can deliver a perakum yugaya after November 17. We shall call him "The Great Pretender" or GP for convenience, not to be confused with PG, Parakramabahu the Great of course. Question: Your recent statements have given people the impression that you are some kind of authority on things historical. Indeed some say it is very uncharacteristic of either you or your party. Could you tell us how the Ruwanweliseya was built? GP: Foreign Aid. Question: Really, and the engineers, masons and other crafts people, where did they come from? GP: Foreigners, all of them. Question: Hmmm....tell me, how about Sigiriya, that was really something wasn't it? GP: Foreign aid, nothing to it. Question: Ok, but the apsaras, surely they must have been locals, those beauties? GP: No, no. Courtesans, all imported. Question: The kurutu gee? GP: Crude translations of Sanskrit poetry. Question: Kala Wewa, Jaya Ganga, all those astounding feats of irrigation engineering? GP: Foreign aid. Question: Even the Parakrama Samudra? GP: Well...I don't mean to be disrespectful, but even that was built thanks to foreign aid, foreign experts and foreign technology. Question: The Samadhi pilimaya, Aukana, Gal Viharaya, the exquisite sculptures of Isurumuniya, the Abhayagiriya complex, the brazen palace, the Embekke wood carvings... GP: (with an exasperated sigh) Foreign aid, foreign aid, all foreign aid. Question: (With a horrific expression) What about the sandesa kavya, theguttilaya, the sidat sangharava ? GP: Translations. Question: Let's get to the grassroots. How about our folk literature, the pathal kavi, gel kavi, nelum gee, the kariya, the daha ata sanniya.... GP: Stop it, stop it. That's all third rate art. Question: Let's move closer to the present. Who authored the 1815 Declaration? GP: John Doyle. Question: Moving on, who wrote the 1978 constitution? GP: Foreign experts. Question: Free education, free health care, subsidies....how about these things? How did we achieve near perfect literacy, and all those amazing numbers in the social indicator columns? GP: Foreign aid. Question: Who would write your budget if you get elected? GP: Those who always wrote our budgets and designed our policies. In a word, foreigners. Question: Who handled your last election campaign, a local advertising agency? GP: Come on, you should know by now that I don't really trust locals or local knowledge. The answer is, a blue-blooded Britisher. Question: Closer still, we are running out of time now: tell me, how are you going to build the largest dagaba in the world? GP: Foreign aid man, foreign aid. Question: One last question, what is the main funding source of your campaign ? GP: (Shouting now) Foreign aid. Foreign aid. FOREIGN AID. Now can you leave me alone, I have to attend a Damage Control meeting after T.A. made an ass of himself, me and my party. And let me answer your next question, yes, that meeting is chaired by foreigners as well. Ta-ta. |
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