Teenage depression and other challenges facing teens

by Shanthi Wijesinghe, Chief Administrative officer, CCECD (Competence Centre for Early Childhood Development) Sri Lanka

A problem-infested teenager I dealt with some years ago called me up recently to meet up for a chat. It was amazing to see the handsome young face which had so many lines of depression and sadness ironed out to a smooth finish. He was moving towards his ambition and it was a treat to watch this 20 year-old take the plunge into the world full of confidence.

I galloped the 6 or 7 years down the road to the scruffy teenager who stood before me one scalding afternoon in March and demanded to be included in the English Language class. I was teaching at the time. The other kids - mixed bunch of equally economically depressed kids stared through the ruffian and even dared to snivel.

He bristled. What was it they thought he lacked? I took to him immediately but his appearance was a grazing wound to the discipline I enforced with kids. They did not have to dress well but they had to be clean.

They had to leave their bathroom slippers out and come in. I hate the stuff on children's feet. We didn't get off to a good start. He was lackadasical and loose-tongued, lolled instead of sat and I had the devil of a time stemming the flow of my HBP.

It took me a year to get the hair combed out, leave the dratted footwear outdoors and even get him to say an 'es-coose-mee'-but in the end, he did it. It was not I - it was he who wanted the change.

It was painful but once begun he loved it. He still does not speak English like that of a child coming from a naturally English-speaking environment but he was able to muster up courage and look into the eyes of the listener and make people sit up and listen. It took courage and a lot of hard grit. He speaks haltingly but correctly. He chooses his words carefully before speaking and never resorts to er-er-er.

As I look back on the years of the mental and physical problems these children underwent daily I am filled with pride and strength that they were able to overcome abusive parents, drunkard fathers, brothers, uncles and grandfathers.

They either ate once a day and had a one-roomer by the side of a road they called home or they shared the home with many others. In our upper-lip parlance it would be appropriately termed-shanties.

In stark contrast were the kids who came to learn individually. The behaviour was almost the same but with a definitely more western flavour. They swore when they thought I was out of earshot and shared many teenage confidences that only teachers have privy to at this age. Some consider their parents to be their No. 1 enemy while others say they are buddies because they can creep through their ears at the worst of times.

Whatever the background teenagers anywhere are the same. It is a natural process that adults need to understand and change attitudes while being firm at the best of times.

Imposing rules are good and they will stick to it because they do not have a choice but they will hate you for it. For those parents who have children in early childhood, now is the time to instill some discipline and sense into children. It is better to having a raving youngster than a raving teenager!

Here are some very important tips to parents and caregivers of children:

* Do not at any cost break confidences or even slip the message in undertones to parents who cannot handle such situations. Tackle one parent who can handle the situation and whom you are certain will not baton charge the teen!

* There is simply no such thing as a young person without issues. Be a good listener.

Most times this is what teens do not have. Parents like to dish out advise and tell them about their days - how they had to undergo difficulties - how they walked to school - how they were short of everything - and how ungrateful modern day kids are. If you support this you are sure to lose him. No one likes to be told off especially when they are facing hormonal changes. Give space and an outlet for a hobby. It maybe short-lived but hey! it's worth a try.

* Get teens to join projects through established clubs

Keeping teens at home is one of the most difficult things parents go through. They will either raid the fridge and if that isn't enough try to don the chef's cap! Get them involved in clubs such as the Leo's or the Young Rotaractors, or get them to form one within your neighbourhood boundaries.

* Many teens have crushes

Face it - it's a fact. It would have fizzled out by the time you come out of the shock.

Western mothers don't really give a frazzle about such things but we - ah! That's another matter.

We have already gone up the wrong gum tree. Or some of us do like to brag about it which really is irritating to the child because it is a private matter. So, please do not brag about your son's, daughter's latest conquest at family gatherings or get-togethers. Pipe down however exciting the tell-tale signs are!

* Too much learning - too little time

It's true that teens are pushed into career-consciousness the moment they step out of childhood. Do the 'A' levels and an MBA. Never mind what he wants.

There are teens who have come to me saying they hate to study drama but they do so because they are pushed into it. They love acting and believe they can make the grade because they are pushed into it.

They love acting and believe they can make the grade without a certificate to prove their skills. I would say - go with the tide and believe in their skills. What confidence.

Unfortunately, there are many children who suffer and the teachers have to suffer with them. Parents and caregivers need to find out what avenue of skill their teen is blessed with before embarking on that MBA. A qualification is important - however, a qualification must match his skills and capability.

* Parents can be irresponsible too. When parents form extra-marital relationships (with opposite or same sex) children are the worst affected. These situations are now becoming escalating at a rather alarming rate right here on our doorstep. Children feel humiliated and utterly useless and the shock can be quite severe if you have had a good relationship with the child.

When children are hurting they may not be approachable, but conversing helps. Do not give up on these chats. Reassure them that your spouse has made the decision and in no way should the children take the blame. For some it takes years and their own relationships may become strange and strained. Therefore parents need to act wisely.

However, strong you feel about your affair try to work it out with your family. If living with your spouse becomes unbearable and a separation is imminent, inform your children about these decisions. Children need to be told and included. If you act without informing them or including them they will always suffer the consequences in their own relationships.

* Special Teens with special skills

They are a special segment of our society. They need to be given all the encouragement and empathy - not sympathy. Enrol them in colleges and courses that appeal to their capabilities.

* A real test

A group of 24 teenage students revealed their challenges and difficulties through their own eyes and in their own words and what it is like to live in a family that have differences; they shared the steps they've taken towards resolving the issues that crop up in their day-to-day-lives.

It is indeed a wonder that these kids do actually survive. In doing so, they helped us discover the truth that every teenage student does have difficulties and challenges; that "I am not the only one" who is dealing with teenage depression, personal issues and inner conflict; and that growth is a matter of facing challenges and difficulties, understanding them and doing the best to overcome, resolve and come to peace with them and all concerned.

Issues, presented included parental divorce, teenage depression, family issues, teen peer pressure, isolation, discrimination, drug use, teenage suicide and eating disorders.

If you would like us to organize discussion groups for parents do write to: CCECD, 713, D. P. Wijesinghe Mw., Pelawatte, Battaramulla. email:[email protected]