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Befrienders of the depressed and the disturbed

by Joan de Mel

June this year sees the 30th Anniversary of Sri Lanka Sumithrayo. This organisation, begun in two rooms in Deans Road, Colombo as part of the worldwide organisation of Befrienders, has grown and is now the eldest sibling of ten branches.

Most people know by now that it was started at the behest of a doctor who has seen three suicides in one day on his ward in the General Hospital.

Since 1974, SLS volunteers have been available to befriend those who are despairing, depressed and sometimes suicidal. Also, as in other branches of Befrienders, the organisation sees and tries to befriend any person who is emotionally disturbed or upset.

Having been a volunteer from the beginning, and having worked in London in the same capacity, I am constantly surprised that people of completely different cultures can still experience the same problems and difficulties.

Unfortunately, some of the less pleasant aspects of the western world are also found here. As a befriender, I come across women who have been harassed and abused and men who have adopted some of the worst attributes of the west - license to enjoy violent or non-consensual sex, drink, drugs and freedom to exploit their fellow men.

Every branch is composed of men and women from all walks of life, working voluntarily, who are chosen for being caring, loving people; all are trained to be able to express this care in a way that may help others in a less fortunate position.

Sri Lanka Sumithrayo has the same ethics as all other branches - that is to say, complete confidentiality between caller and whoever meets them; volunteers are not allowed to discuss religion or politics.

The service offered is completely free of charge; no obligations are entered into, and no moral judgements are made by the volunteers.

Tender loving care is still a panacea for many of those who feel that they can't cope with life, though not all find comfort from this. In SLS assurance of confidentiality and anonymity does help to comfort the caller.

How does it work? What do you do when someone sitting in front of you says their situation is unbearable? Having heard the full story, you may inwardly agree. How to help?

After encouraging the caller to pour out all their feelings and by showing a sympathetic, compassionate response, rapport should have been established, and this may have helped to relax the caller and dissipate some of the tension.

Talking together (the caller spilling it out and the befriender saying little, but conveying understanding) can give some relief to lessen the immediate stress. From that position, the volunteer may then be able to help verbalize some of the options available to relieve the immediate agony.

There may be no instant solution, and we have to remember that befriending is 'being' no 'doing'. Just a sympathetic look does help.

In all 10 branches throughout the island the system is the same: volunteers, men and women between the ages of 20 to 70, are trained in befriending. It isn't a magic formula - it is just putting together unhappy, distressed people with a friendly, sympathetic listener who has been trained to accept certain unpleasant situations non-judgementally.

Volunteers, during training, learn how to express sympathy without emotion; they learn how not to betray their own feelings; how to accept people however distasteful they may appear to others - some of us find it difficult to relate to those who look unkempt or dirty and are smelly. Acceptance is a vital part of befriending.

One of the more difficult obstacles for women volunteers to overcome, and to appear unshockable, is the acceptance of people with sexual problems who decide to go into graphic detail: but most befrienders realise that this is also a cry for help. Volunteers also learn to express understanding of body language.

The volunteer (befriender) has to learn what not to do: not to give advice - either verbally or by facial expression; not to be judgemental; not to give reassurance - how can you say you know the answer to the caller's situation when you are not in that situation? Empathy is what is needed, not facile assurance. I would say common sense is a useful attribute for a volunteer.

Obviously, it is no help to say to a deeply disturbed person: "Pull yourself together!". They may not be capable of doing this without help. Every caller who contacts Sri Lanka Sumithrayo can be a potential suicide.

When things become unbearable and there is no obvious solution, one may think of ending it all. Many who have been to the centres have been helped out of this temporary bleak situation. We, who have seen them in such a state, get some comfort if the caller goes away looking even a little more cheerful.

Befriending someone already feeling suicidal, or someone who has not reached that state yet, man or woman or child, can be exhausting.

A cup of tea and a grin from a colleague on the shift, does uplift the spirit, and we do learn to be more dispassionate with our callers, difficult though this may be. One bonus for volunteers is the bonding with each other that develops from sharing busy duties.

Thus the befriending volunteer. Now what about the logistics of the organisation?

At present, each of the 10 branches is autonomous, working under their own Council, who appoint Directors of the branch. Much responsibility lies on that Director who must be able to relate to both volunteers and callers. He/She must also be able to implement new ideas without going overboard or throwing out the baby with the bathwater.

He or she can make or break a branch by being over-zealous. Self has to be forgotten, if the Sumithrayo principles are to be continued. Providing the Directors of branches don't try to make SLS into a commercial organisation, the branch will flourish.

Leaders and senior volunteers of branches carry on the ethos of Sumithrayo. They do not or should not be looking for 'perks' or self-aggrandizement. No volunteer is supposed to let it be known that they work at Sumithrayo.

As some may be aware, 'the Samaritans' was started 50 years ago in London by the Rev. Chad Varah, and Sri Lanka is one of the many countries to which it has spread: there are now approximately 350 branches worldwide.

All the branches in Sri Lanka are under the umbrella of a National organisation started in 1992, which helps to fund them for the first year of their existence and continues to help with training volunteers, organising workshops etc.

The National Council is composed of two representatives from each branch who meet three times a year, and all branches are associated with the international organisation Samaritans worldwide.

There are problems in finding locations for new branches; Colombo is lucky in that their centre is owned outright, having been built (with generous donations from interested persons) on land given to them, but not until they had served their time in two not very salubrious rooms in Deans Road! Starting a new branch is not so difficult, but it is more difficult to a) find suitable premises and b) find enough eager beavers to keep it going. In Sri Lanka, it is not the norm to do unpaid work. Many NGOs give salaries or expenses to the volunteers. Sumithrayo, like Samaritans worldwide, do not have paid volunteers to do their befriending.

A Training Centre is also run by the National Council: in addition to training the volunteers, staff from that centre are much in demand all over the country to visit small groups (government and non-Governmental) to talk about suicide prevention - suicide awareness is of the utmost importance: many lives can be saved if one knows how to assess someone who is at risk.

Funding for this part of SLS is assisted by the letting of Conference Halls in the building to various organisations throughout the island. When I started Sri Lanka Sumithrayo, I had no idea it would take off as it has, and if it had been left solely to my tender mercies, it probably would not have to so; but, thanks to Nalini Ellawela, Mansoor Ghouse, and one or two others who joined in the early days, it did. The same principles as those of the first branch of the Samaritans, in London, are still followed, as these have proved effective.

All volunteers are aware that they exist to help the lonely and despairing, and each branch makes sure someone is always available to listen to those who are depressed. This is the ethos of the Samaritans which Sumithrayo follows. Colombo branch, and one or two others in Sri Lanka, work 24 hours a day - telephone only from 8 p.m. to 9 a.m.

Volunteers from every branch also work outside the centre. They visit hospitals and schools in groups of three or four. In the hospitals, they talk to those who have tried to kill themselves; doctors and nurses encourage befrienders to talk to these patients who are urged to tell their stories showing how they became so desperate that suicide seemed the only answer.

When they are due to be discharged from the hospital, it is usually suggested that they visit the local SLS branch for continued friendly support. When schools are visited, the students are told about Sumithrayo and may talk privately to a visiting volunteer if they so wish. Most schools are happy to include knowledge of SLS in their school curricula.

The first branch (Colombo) started outreach by leasing a house in the same compound and turning it into a drug rehabilitation (now called drug reduction) centre.

This building, Mel Medura, is naturally known for its work, and is partly responsible for putting Sumithrayo on the map. Started in 1984 (10 years after SLS was founded), and run by Nalini Ellawela who had been Director of the Colombo SLS branch for ten years previously, it began by taking into the house 15 to 20 men who were addicted to alcohol.

Then the Board (composed of Sumithrayo volunteers) decided that similar residential care could be adopted for people who took heroin. This treatment consisted of residential care and counselling for 4/6 weeks before they returned to society. It had some success, if success is considered by the number of addicts who recovered wholly or partially.

Recently, it was felt that the Mel Medura treatment is not sufficient to meet islandwide need and now the building has been altered from a residential to a drop-in centre. It is too early to say whether this recent change is the answer for the hundreds who need help with their drug dependency.

Nalini has been Director of Mel Medura for 20 years. During this time she personally has become known throughout the island and is much in demand as a resource person and speaker for many seminars which touch upon the drug problem.

People often ask if SLS is successful: how do you rate success? We know that some suicidal people have not tried to kill themselves after contacting us - YET; but, we cannot guarantee they will never do so in the future. Those who have shared their emotional problems may return to say thanks or, when a new difficult situation occurs, come back to see if we can help them sort it out.

Whether we are successful or not, I don't know, but I feel pretty sure that some people are alive today as a result of contacting us.

Not only taxis and 3-wheeler drivers know about SLS but many others from urban and rural areas are also cognisant of the organisation and will send callers, including those who may have marital problems. We think that if people feel SLS has helped them, they will send others to us who are in need.

As Founder, from the beginning, I have tried to take a back seat, working on shift once a week, and being available for ongoing discussions, and if there are worries about the ethics of SLS some volunteers find my 'expertise' useful - others do not.

So I continue to do duty, and am available (and used) for guidance. I also continue to be a member of the National Council and can express my personal opinion and suggestions forthrightly, even though in a democratic organisation they may not be accepted! 'Befriending' does seem to have always been a part of my life.

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