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| Wednesday, 19 May 2004 |
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Gender Dialogue : The drawback which is dependence by Nadira Gunatilleke The dependent mentality of Sri Lankan women is a major problem. Unfortunately this situation has created a huge negative impact on strong, independent women. This unhealthy mentality creates a lot of unnecessary problems. The concept continues under the name of traditions and culture. What is this dependent mentality? From childhood women are trained to think that they cannot do certain things without the help of a male. It is the mother who establishes this mentality in the daughter's mind. She never lets her daughter do certain things from childhood and never lets her go alone to certain places. Thereafter the daughter begins to think that those things should not be done by women! When she becomes a grown up woman she expects men to open doors for her and give seats in public transport services. Wherever she goes she expects `special treatment' from men. Although the famous concept 'ladies first' came from the West, Western women are well ahead of their eastern counterparts when it comes to being strong and independent. In our country women talk about equal rights and liberation but expect men to do certain things for them such as giving priority. When the daughter becomes a grown up girl and then a woman, she is in big trouble. But even then she follows her mother and never lets her daughter grow up independently. When a mother (rarely) allows her daughter to grow up independently, some men in society, criticise it because they cannot stand it. The worst part is the majority of women with this dependent mentality discriminate against strong independent women. Whenever a woman goes somewhere alone at night, such weak women point their fingers at the woman and says that she is strange or vulgar. When a woman works till late some men and women say that she is vulgar and stays till late evening purposely to seduce men. When a woman does not stay till late the same group says that she is not dedicated enough and committed to her job. Then what should she do? But there is no such 'special attention' to men. Whenever a woman goes alone to a place sometimes men look at her in a strange way and but when a woman goes with a small child no man questions why she is alone. Other women also never question. But this is the main problem in Sri Lankan society. Why do women have to bear all the trouble alone when there is a man to help her? Why has she to carry her little child alone without the help of the husband? Most married women are scared to raise this question or they just ignore the pain, comforting themselves thinking that it is their 'duty' or destiny. The most strange thing is sometimes some men expect women to be independent when they should not be and they expect women to be dependent when they should not be! For example, some men think that women should be independent when they need to bring a sick child to a doctor, to drop kids at school, to buy groceries for the home, do marketing and taking care of other family members but those are the occasions that women need help. It is a common problem when a wife earns money more than her husband, he takes revenge by not helping her at all or not letting her do things her way. The same men accompany women shopping (to buy clothes and goods for her), to the hair dresser and to see her best friend. According to some married women they like to do such things alone but husbands accompany them not to help them but to get done those things their way! Or may be to cut down the expenditure ! Women should be able to change a bulb and fix the broken tap without consulting a male. Women with a dependent mentality think that it is the correct way of living and discriminate against women who are different from them. Independent women live their lives subjecting themselves to discrimination but handling it successfully. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' practices and it is always being interpreted according to one's needs, objectives and the advantages received by the deciding party. Therefore it is women's responsibility to live their lives without worrying about what others think and say about them. |
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