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| Friday, 18 October 2002 |
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Sandalwood While the whole world is concentrating on renowned terrorists like Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, not many around the world know that India is also struggling to exhume their favourite terrorist, out of the shadows of the sandalwood jungles of South India. I decided that since most people found it very easy to meet the brigand, except of course the police, that I would meet the moustached menace myself and find out what was happening. "That is Veerappan's signal," whispered my guide who was taking me through the forest. I listened and it sounded like somebody putting paper on a plastic comb and blowing on it. "What noise is that?" I asked. "It is an imitation of wild elephants trumpeting," said my guide, "if you can make the same noise then only he will meet you." "Ofcourse I can," I said and placed a piece of toilet paper on a comb and blew on it. From out of the jungles appeared a grinning middle aged man with a long pathetically looking drooping moustache. He stretched out his hand and embraced me. "Best sound of elephants I ever heard," he said. "Those fellows they send from Karnataka don't have the strength to blow on the paper and the Tamilnadu negotiators have never seen a comb before. "You have practised before?" I told Veerappan that paper on comb was my favourite instrument when I was small and that I would even oblige and play popular tunes if he so desired. "You are indeed a godsend, " said Veerappan as he gave me another hug. "You smell good," I admitted. "I have been using Nagappa's soap," said Veerappan. "After I abducted him, his people sent me his favourite soap , but now he only wants sandal wood baths so I use his soap and he uses my wood." "Don't you think you are getting old for all this, shouldn't you come out of the jungles and start living a normal life?" I asked cautiously. "I have been thinking about it, " said the brigand thoughtfully. "In fact I have written to Osama and Saddam about it." "Written what to them?" I asked, shocked by this unexpected revelation. "About offering my services as a consultant," said the forest terrorist. "You think Osama could use you?" I asked. "Whatever for?" "I could teach him a thing or two!" laughed Veerappan. "Instead of spending so much money on planes and bombs, just kidnap Bush!" "Kidnap Bush?" I asked incredulously. "I have even worked out all the plans and have also offered to keep him hostage in my jungle. He wouldn't be too much of trouble considering he is always showing how physically fit he is. He could jog around the jungles, swing from the trees like." ".. Tarzan.." I said. "You could even come and teach him how to play the comb." " So when do you bring Bush here?" I asked. 'I was going to start off for Washington today," said Veerappan slowly, "when I got this message from Osama. "He says no one will come to rescue Bush or pay any ransom money, as the Americans would immediately make Jimmy Carter president . I am just wondering; for how many years can you teach him to play with toilet paper and comb, and how long will I tolerate him swinging from my sandal wood trees..!" |
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